AUGUST 14th: Tisha B'Av

       The ninth day in the Jewish month of Av (Tish B'Av) is a day of mourning, on which Jews fast, that primarily commemorates the destruction of the first and second Temples. The first Temple was destroyed on the ninth of Av by the Babylonians in 586 B.C.E., and the second Temple was destroyed on the ninth of Av by the Romans in 70 C.E.
       In addition to being the day on which the first and second temples were destroyed, many other tragic events occured on this day. Given that so many tragedies have occured on Tisha B'Av in the past, Tisha B'Av is considered a "taboo day" -a fearful day that something bad is going to happen.
History of Tisha B'Av

       Before the Children of Israel were to enter the Land of Israel, they wanted "proof" that the land was prosperous and safe. As a result, Moses sent spies from each of the 12 tribes to survey the land.
       The spies came back after 40 days and gave their interpretation (instead of the straight facts) to the Children of Israel. Numbers 13:27-28: "We arrived at the Land to which you sent us, and indeed it flows with milk and honey and this is its fruit. But the people that dwell in the Land are powerful, the cities are very greatly fortified and we also saw there the offspring of the giant …" Numbers 14:1: "The entire assembly raised up and issued its voice; the people wept that night." The spies made it seem that the Children of Israel would be overtaken by giants and never survive. They did not put their full faith in God. After all the miracles they witnessed firsthand after the exodus from Egypt, they became fearful and lost their trust in God.

The Punishment

       God decreed that the Children of Israel would wander in the desert for 40 years- one year for each day the spies surveyed the land. The generation that left Egypt would not merit entering the Land of Israel, only their offspring would; they would perish in the desert during the course of the 40 years. Because the Children of Israel wept without cause, God declared that He would make that day a day for weeping. That day was Tisha B'Av. Taanis 29a: "God said, 'You wept in vain. I will establish this date for you as a time of real weeping for all generations.'"

A Complete History of the Events on Tisha B'Av (9 Av)

Year	Day	Event
	17 Tammuz	Noah sent the dove out of the ark, to see if the waters had receded. (Genesis 8:9)
	17 Tammuz	Joseph and Samuel are born 40 weeks after 1 Tishrei.
	17 Tammuz	Moshe broke the tablets at Mount Sinai in response to the sin of the Golden Calf. Levites kill 3000 Israelites and become set apart to HaShem. (Exodus 32:25-29)
	17 Tammuz	Moshe's spies search out the promised land. Day 19 (Numbers 13, 14 Mishna, Ta'anit 29a)
-1312	9 Av	Spies return from 40 days in Israel with evil reports of the Land of Israel. Jewish people cry in despair, give up hope of entering the Land of Israel.
-587	17 Tammuz	The daily offerings in the FirstTemple were suspended during the siege of Jerusalem, after the Kohanim could no longer obtain animals.
-587	9 Av	Destruction of FirstTemple by the Babylonians, under Nebuchadnezar. About 100,000 Jews killed during invasion. Exile of remaining tribes in southern kingdom to Babylon and Persia.
-168	17 Tammuz	Antiochus defiled the Temple by offering a slaughtered pig on it's altar and spreading pig's blood and entrails on the walls and inner parts of the holy of holies in the Temple. This was the "abomination of desolation" foretold by Daniel and was also a precursor to antichrist who will come in the End Times.
70	17 Tammuz	Jerusalem's walls were breached, prior to the destruction of the SecondTemple.
70	9 Av	Destruction of SecondTemple by Romans, under Titus. Over 2,500,000 Jews die as a result of war, famine and disease. Over 1,000,000 Jews exiled to all parts of the Roman Empire. Over 100,000 Jews sold as slaves by Romans. Jews killed and tortured in gladiatorial "games" and pagan celebrations.
71	9 Av	Turnus Rufus plows site of Temple. Romans build pagan city of Aelia Capitolina on site of Jerusalem.
134	17 Tammuz	Prior to the Great Revolt, the Roman general Apostamos the Wicked burned a Torah scroll - setting a precedent for the horrifying burning of Jewish books throughout the centuries.
135	9 Av	Bar Kochba revolt crushed. Betar destroyed - over 100,00 killed.
1095	9 Av	First Crusade declared by Pope Urban II. 10,000 Jews killed in first month of Crusade. Crusades bring death and destruction to thousands of Jews, totally obliterate many communities in Rhineland and France.
1239	17 Tammuz	Pope Gregory IX ordered the confiscation of all manuscripts of the Talmud.
1290	9 Av	Expulsion of Jews from England, accompanied by pogroms and confiscation of books and property.
1391	17 Tammuz	More than 4,000 Spanish Jews were killed in Toledo and Jaen, Spain
1492	9 Av	Inquisition in Spain and Portugal culminates in the expulsion of the Jews from the Iberian Peninsula. King Ferdinand of Spain issued the expulsion decree, setting Tisha B'Av as the final date by which not a single Jew would be allowed to walk on Spanish soil. Families separated, many die by drowning, massive loss of property. With funds provided by Ferdinand, Christopher Columbus, a Messianic Jew, sets sail to locate the land which will become a Jewish refuge.
1559	17 Tammuz	The Jewish Quarter of Prague was burned and looted.
1776	17 Tammuz	United States of America gained their independence from England, and became the place of religious freedom for both Jews and Gentiles for over 200 years.
1914	9 Av	Britain and Russia declare war on Germany. First World War begins. First World War issues unresolved, ultimately causing Second World War and Holocaust. 75% of all Jews in war zones. Jews in armies of all sides - 120,000 Jewish casualties in armies. Over 400 pogroms immediately following war in Hungary, Ukraine, Poland and Russia.
1942	9 Av	Deportations from Warsaw Ghetto to the Treblinka concentration camp begin.
1944	17 Tammuz	The entire population of the Kovno ghetto was sent to the death camps
1970	17 Tammuz	Libya ordered the confiscation of all Jewish property.
1989	9 Av	Iraq walks out of talks with Kuwait.
1994	9 Av	The deadly bombing the building of the AMIA (the Jewish community center in Buenos Aires, Argentina) which killed 86 people and wounded some 300 others.

AUGUST 14th: Tisha B'AvToday
yet another tragic event to be added to an already too-long list:
http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/meast/08/14/gaza.pullout/index.html
Pictures from Recent Current Events
http://www.pbase.com/yalop/gaza


Pray for the conflicts in the Middle East
Pray for the nation of Israel
Pray for the peace of Jerusalem
Pray for those who have backed the expulsion of the Jews from the land God promised them
it will not be pretty for them       From a Christian perspective, and coming from a Messianic Jewish congregation, one can see how God's judgement has fallen on Israel time and time again because of their disobedience and stubborness. That is why we need to pray for them. They are His chosen people, near and dear to His heart. Their suffering brings Him suffering. The Jew and the Gentile are of two different folds, but we are one flock, one family, under one Shepherd (Yeshua, Jesus Christ our Savior). We must intercede for them. He hears.
       PRAY. It's all we can really do here. Stay up to date: www.CNN.com; only time will tell what happens from here
sovereign God of Israel, we intercede for Your people*

revisiting 9/11 still brings tears to my eyes. it really does, and the sadness i feel for the families affected is overwhelming. it's a shame though, because in other parts of the world, the terror we faced in america on that day is an everyday lifestyle. death as a reality and dealt with fact in many peoples' lives outside of this country. i clicked on another article today on cnn.com, and this one was about the hyattes, the couple who shot an officer and sent authorities on a 36 hour manhunt. the article was talking about the officer who was killed, saying that he was a deacon in his church, a frequent volunteer who helped others, and here's the one that really got to me: a man who loved to sing duets with his wife at church. the reason that hit me is because growing up, ive seen many couples do just that, and i got to thinking about how tragedies like that could happen to simply anybody. imagine the pain of his family and his wife. over a thousand people attended his funeral. then i imagined if, in the future, my own wife and family had to deal with my death to some tragic misdemeanor. i stopped dead in my tracks and asked God in prayer, to please spare my family from anything like that happening to us. from happening in the lives of those i love. from happening period. it is a comfort to know though, that we, as well as that officer's family, have the hope of reuniting with those who have passed. in heavenly glory, if they too have made Jesus Christ the Lord of their life.

---

so many verses i wanna share and log onto xanga that it's hard to keep up. i cant even choose which passages to write on, there's just so much. so many beautiful and rich passages. here's one i was reading today:

1 John 2

...if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous: ² And he is the propitiation for our sins: and not for our's only, but also for the sins of the whole world. ³ And hereby we do know that we know him, if we keep his commandments. ⁴ He that saith, I know him, and keepeth not his commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. ⁵ But whoso keepeth his word, in him verily is the love of God perfected: hereby know we that we are in him. ⁶ He that saith he abideth in him ought himself also so to walk, even as he walked.

...the darkness is past, and the true light now shineth. ⁹ He that saith he is in the light, and hateth his brother, is in darkness even until now. ¹⁰ He that loveth his brother abideth in the light, and there is none occasion of stumbling in him. ¹¹ But he that hateth his brother is in darkness, and walketh in darkness, and knoweth not whither he goeth, because that darkness hath blinded his eyes.

¹² I write unto you, little children, because your sins are forgiven you for his name's sake. ¹³ I write unto you, fathers, because ye have known him that is from the beginning. I write unto you, young men, because ye have overcome the wicked one. I write unto you, little children, because ye have known the Father. ¹⁴ I have written unto you, fathers, because ye have known him that is from the beginning. I have written unto you, young men, because ye are strong, and the word of God abideth in you, and ye have overcome the wicked one.

¹⁵ Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. ¹⁶ For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. ¹⁷ And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever.

...abide in him; that, when he shall appear, we may have confidence, and not be ashamed before him at his coming. ²⁹ If ye know that he is righteous, ye know that every one that doeth righteousness is born of him.

The Bible is really an amazing book. It has never been so alive to me in my life. I remember doing my "duty" and reading my chapter a day when I was a child growing up. Sometimes I'd even skim chapters to get it over with, not realizing that my so called time with God was in vain. But now, it's like I can't seem to get enough. I love reading my Bible and I always look forward to hearing God speak to me. My only prayer is that I can be a good steward of the things that I learn. Sometimes I find myself spending more time reading my Bible than on studying for my MCATS, which I don't know if it's good (because sometimes I do use it as an excuse to not study). Point is, my Bible has, over this past year, become one of my most valuable possessions. I never understood it's worth. I never experienced its power. If someone were to look at my blue pocket Bible, he or she might say that I am highlighting way too much. But I can't help it, because everything is important to me, and there's just so much good stuff in there. What I really want to do, is get a small pocket notebook, a really small one, to write notes in (sermon notes, thoughts, ideas, logs, etc.). Then I want to start writing page numbers beside specific passages in the Bible, so that I can refer to my small notebook for further details. A quick reference type thing. I like that idea because then my time with God, the lessons learned, and the wisdom imparted becomes personal, and more tangible in terms of sharing it with someone else, by God's grace. Ideas I guess. Ideas that I don't really have the funds for right now. I asked myself this question: if I time to save only one thing from my burning apartment, what would it be? I narrowed it down to my laptop, full of pictures worth a million words in memories, and my Bible. I'm sorry Lord if I hesitated about my answer, but while my instinct would be to save my laptop (because "I could always get another Bible"), I think that if my Bible became so personal to me, and full of living memories between God and me, then I would have to pick my Bible. The Bible is such an amazing and beautiful book. Rich. Alive. HOLY*

---

I'm actually really excited about the 2005-2006 NBA season. I guess your team winning the championship might do that to you right? There's a lotta new transactions, new players, and hott matchups to look out for. It's too bad I don't have cable. There's something about watching the Spurs play basketball that really just makes me happy. I can't explain it. It's one of my few random joys. But I'm also looking forward to NBA 2K6 and NBA Live 2006 (on PS2 or XBOX). I wanna see how my team fares in those games, and I guess I just really enjoy playing them. Can't wait to see the improvements on gameplay as well. Spurs man. Ginobili is the man. Don't get me wrong, Robinson is still my all time favorite, but now that he's retired, Ginobili has kept the Spurs exciting to watch. I'm thinkin' about getting his jersey or something (I have Robinson's already). Tickets to see the Nets and Spurs this upcoming season would be fantabulous*

---

My name is Rowan, and I love GOD*

. my tower of refuge .
. my escape from the madness around me .
. my resting place .

.::light in a dark world::.

Mather 5:14 Ye are the light of the world.
John 3 ¹⁹This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. ²⁰Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. ²¹But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.

.::juicer::.

1 Corinthians 3 ¹⁶Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you? ¹⁷If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple.
1 Thessalonians 4 ³ For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: ⁴ That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour.

1 Peter 3 ¹² For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil. ¹³ And who is he that will harm you, if ye be followers of that which is good? ¹⁴ But and if ye suffer for righteousness' sake, happy are ye: and be not afraid of their terror, neither be troubled; ¹⁵ But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear.

.::"picture of things"::.

..you take my breath away..

. so beautiful .

1 Peter 4 ¹² Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: ¹³ But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy. ¹⁴ If ye be reproached for the name of Christ, happy are ye; for the spirit of glory and of God resteth upon you: on their part he is evil spoken of, but on your part he is glorified. ¹⁵ But let none of you suffer as a murderer, or as a thief, or as an evildoer, or as a busybody in other men's matters. ¹⁶ Yet if any man suffer as a Christian, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify God on this behalf.

.::a chicago sunset::.




....dreams....

“Thank You”
by John Fischer

There is a commercial currently running that has no spoken words, only the words “Thank You” appearing at the very end over a blank screen followed by the logo of the sponsor. The commercial pictures American troops in desert fatigues carrying their gear through an airport. Suddenly a lonely handclap is joined by another and another while others strain to see what is going on. Soon the whole airport is up on their feet applauding as the surprised soldiers move through the gathering crowd. The camera then scans the troops who never planned on being in a parade, and finds on their faces a mixture of embarrassment, gratitude and pride. Suddenly everyone is walking taller and lighter in their step. It’s a scene that in 60 seconds captures an incredible amount of emotion, and regardless of one’s views on the current confrontation in Iraq, it is able to cut through ambiguity and get right to the commitment and sacrifice of soldiers who are simply doing what they do in the service of their country.

It’s basically a pretty thankless job that soldiers perform especially in the current political climate of uncertainty. And yet they give their best years, and in many cases, their lives, for this cause. The sponsors of this commercial got it right. The leaders and decision-makers get all the press, when the soldiers are the people who need to be recognized for who they are and what they do.

Those who serve in the Lord’s army are no different. They don’t do it for the applause, but they certainly could use some now and then. It’s only right and proper to acknowledge those who serve the kingdom of God with enthusiasm and consistency. Every fellowship has them. Of course we are all made to serve Christ in some way, but some are particularly gifted in the area of service, and that’s just it: they’ll do it whether they get recognition or not. They’re not doing it for that. In fact, when you give them recognition, they look a little surprised and embarrassed because they just never thought along those lines.

Think of those you know who serve like this consistently and sometimes thanklessly, and plan on how you can applaud their actions and affirm their personhood. It’s true, they don’t need it, but I bet they will walk a little taller and lighter in their step as a result.

---

 “The Touch of the Master’s Hand” is a poem by Myra Brooks Welch about an old violin that was having a hard time being auctioned off -- (“One dollar, two dollars; who will make it three?”) -- until a master violinist walked out of the crowd, picked up the instrument, dusted it off, and stunned the audience with the beauty of the hidden music inside. After putting the instrument down, the auctioneer broke the silence by picking up his bidding again: “One thousand, two thousand; who will make it three…?”
       the poem's 3rd verse:

"And many a man with life out of tune,
And battered and scarred with sin,
Is auctioned cheap to the thoughtless crowd
Much like the old violin.
A "mess of pottage," a glass of wine,
A game -- and he travels on.
He is "going" once, and "going" twice,
He's "going" and almost "gone."
But the Master comes, and the foolish crowd
Never can quite understand
The worth of a soul and the change that is wrought
By the touch of the Master's hand."

.::can't stop thinking::.
can't stop writing

i hate this. i was so behind on my self-made mcat study schedule that i had to revise it. now i'm behind on that one. every day that i come here i dread finding an empty room, getting my books out, and attempting to start my studying. i sit there staring blankly at my books, wishing i was at home sleeping, watching a movie, or better yet, working and making money. it's so sad. every day i see these same people in other rooms taking practice mcat exams and studying for hours on end. it's sad because i cant seem to find that motivation. this stuff is just so hard. i'm starting to think that my brain is not built for this stuff. less than 2 weeks left. there are people all over the world dying, suffering, and living in pain. i wanted to become a doctor so that i could use my skills, talents, and knowledge to fight against diseases and unwellness. but now the question that is begging to be asked is: do i have the skills, talents, and knowledge in the first place? i keep telling God in times like this, "Lord, only you know what will make me happy. i don't know anymore. please Lord, open up my eyes so that i could see Your will for my life. i feel so lost sometimes."

on another note, there are so many things ive been putting off and meaning to do. studying has really killed any chance of me enjoying my summer. i've been meaning to call my best friend luke to catch up, and let him know that i'm praying for him and jewel. i've been putting off the picnic james and i were planning. lana and i were supposed to go with him and jaz to liberty state park for a barbeque, but now we're both studying our heads off for the august mcat. i only pray that he is faring off much better than i am. darrvi and i were supposed to go camping. like forreal camping out in the woods with a bonfire and tent and stuff. in the middle of God's amazing creation. we invited paul and anyone else who wants to be down. but that too has to wait. i think i may have promised lana that i would take her to the beach before the end of the summer, but now i dont know if i can keep that promise and it makes me feel like crap. been putting off r.e.s.e.t., getting my permit (and thus my licence), taking alana to the met; so many things.

but then again, how can i expect to do all these things when i'm broke as anything. i have $0.87 in my checking account, $0.00 in my savings, an expired credit card, an empty wallet, and a couple pennies in my bookbag. i searched 2 months for a job and got nothing, so that's when i decided to study full-time. i'm even ignoring my responsibilities of completing secondary applications to medical schools for this dang studying. so once my mcat is done on the 20th, i'll only have a couple days to fill out some of the secondary applications that are due sooner than others. then i need to start looking for a job again, start looking into graduate schools or health professions schools. maybe even further my education at rutgers doing pharmacy or something. but i need to know what God wants me to do with my life. it seems like a complete mess right now (because in case i didnt mention it, the chances of me getting into medical school are like a billion to one, seriously). so until i do know, my Lord i will be praying and waiting for You to speak.

i have this dream: i come home from work (whatever "work" may be for me in the future), and home doesnt even have to be a house at this point, a cozy apartment would suit me just fine. but in this dream, i am financially stable and independent. i have a fixed income to pay fixed monthly bills. although my wife has her own career and helps out with the finances, i am blessed with a career that allows me to take care of most of the responsibilities. our apartment is clean, comfortable, and simple. my wife is home from work as well and we are enjoying dinner together talking about how our day was and stuff. turn on some music, some sax by the fire music (see 2 entries previously below), and just enjoy a much needed relaxing evening. in the livingroom we have a flat screen television, complete with surround sound and an xbox or playstation 3 (lol). now we can pick a movie from our dvd library (which i plan to start building once i get money and a job; i've already listed down dvd's i want that i think are worth owning) and pop it in. after the movie we can do our quiet time, spend time with God, and pray together, as we do every night. and then we retire for bed. the whole time, my wife and i can have peace, because we also know that our respective families and loved ones are also okay and happy and secure. we know that God has been faithful throughout the years to all of us, and we know that He will remain faithful still for the rest of our years to come. sound ridiculous? dreams can come true though right (?).

last night i asked my mom if she was ever tempted to play lottery. she said yes, and i wasnt suprised. she had tried it when we were younger, but realized that God would never let her win so she was just wasting her time. besides, as she helped me to also realize, the lottery is a sick exploitation of the poor. yeah, people win from time to time, but the winners win at the expense of the sweat of millions of hardworking people. some people play their whole lives and never win a cent. if they had saved up all that money, invested it or something, they would have been much better off. exploitation. and a lack of trust on our part. not trusting God to provide for our financial needs. so i decided again last night, that i would stop trying to think of ways to get fast cash.

the only thing that seems to be going right for me these days is my workout and my diet. ive been pretty consistent for a measly 3 weeks. the problem is, i havent been losing any weight. while i feel great after hitting the gym and the track, and while ive been juicing fruits and vegetables like no tomorrow, there havent really been any physical signs of improvement. but thats ok though, coz what matters is the stuff going on inside, and that i am trying to keep this body healthy. this body that is on loan to me, the temple of God's Holy Spirit. the body i am responsible for taking care of. i owe it to God and my family (both now and in the future when i have my own family) to do all i can to live a long and healthy life. we all do if you think about it.

last night i lay in bed listening to music. for the past few months i've been listening to almost only Christian music. like, 99.1 type songs.  but i dunno, for some reason i felt like listening to some r&b. i used to be the biggest r&b fan out there. love songs were my life (well no, not really) and it used to be the only type of music i would listen to. but all of that changed when i fell in love with Jesus Christ. but as i was saying, i whipped out some mp3s on my laptop last night, and it just amazed me how songs can automatically inflict feelings and memories into a person's soul. a lot of it made me smile. i reminisced a lot about my childhood, teenage years, and growing up. the memories man. i just layed there in bed. then i thought about my 4 years at rutgers university. drifting in and out of sleep.

oh, and i've been having the sickest dreams at night.

.::paral lel to who i am::.
much needed reminders

this past weekend has reminded me so much of where i was a year ago today. parallel events that might seem meaningless, but not at all meaningless to me. like i said in my previous entry, a year ago i was going through my first and worst case of real depression. if i had decided to see a human therapist instead of allowing God to be my only Therapist, i have no doubts that i would have been clinically diagnosed, complete with weight loss, loss of sleep, and living in unspeakable anguish 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. time goes by real slow-like during times like that, and im sure many people can feel me on that.

so as i was saying: parallels. there was the whole being at garden state plaza thing i talked about. i passed by the booth my family sat in last year at johnny rockets, and imagined/pictured myself sitting there. sitting there trying to escape the nightmare i was living, trying to laugh and smile everytime mika did something childishly cute, but not being able to. wishing i could call her up so that mika could sing her one of the songs that she makes up on the fly. i remember walking around that mall last august, just drained. mika was one of those kids that really did like me, but fronted about it because she liked the attention she got when she was being mean to me. she was like, 4 years old back then? but even she could see the sadness in my eyes, and she held my hand that day last august at garden state plaza. she sang me songs to cheer me up. she loved on me. a 4 year old girl.

before we had gone to the mall on saturday, as usual we attended church at Sha'ar Adonai (meaning "the gate of the Lord"). last year, we watched a movie after church the first saturday i attended after my depression began. that movie was where i got the following encouragement: "there is no pit so deep, that God is not deeper still." selah. last saturday's message was based on Proverbs 3 verses 5 and 6. in case you don't know that one by heart, it reads "⁵ Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. ⁶ In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." these verses were really broken down, as i needed to recognize even more just how much wisdom they contained.

then there was last night when we watched "the jacket" (after the mall). see, last year it was "the butterfly effect." last august my brother rommel had the unpleasant experience of having to live with me and watch me in my depression. he and i would be at home, with really nothing to do and nowhere to go. the house we used to live in was undergoing renovations (under landlord orders) and the conditions we were subject to were just unacceptable. everything we owned was literally cramped into our dining room and kitchen. and i mean everything, while people worked on the upstairs, livingroom, etc. all day. rommel would go on the computer to play this game he was hooked on, and i would go on the computer to do xanga. my days consisted of pacing inside and outside my house. reading books. reading my Bible. praying. and a whole lot of thinking.

but yeah, i just side tracked. back to the movie thing. one night rommel and i borrowed "the butterfly effect" from across the street, and the movie kinda helped me to escape for a little while. by the end of it, i had a whole lot to reflect on. ashton kutcher's character was someone who would go back into his past in attempts to make right the things that he did wrong. and it helped me to see, in the simplest of ways, that we are all better off not playing God, because things in our life happen for a reason. even if things are a result of bad decisions, etc., our experiences and mistakes make us into who we are today. hard to accept, but very true.

"the jacket," in turn (don't read the rest of this paragraph if you are planning on watching the movie), was about a guy (adrian brody) who would go into his future to try and save someone he loved, and make her life better than what it had turned out to be. he attempted this, without regard for his own life, and in the end, succeeded. it made me feel like last year God was showing me somehow that i need to accept what happened in my past and know that He is sovereign. and now this year, it's time for me to focus on the future, only He needs for me to focus on the future selflessly, a.k.a. approach it with wisdom and regard for all of those that i love. and this i am trying my hardest to do.

after the movie, late into the night, i was in my room practicing this gavin degraw song rommel taught me on guitar called "overrated." during my depression, my brothers would always play his music, and one song in particular. everytime i hear gavin degraw's "follow through," i am automatically taken back to last august. the opening lines that caught my heart:"oh, this is the start of something good, don't you agree? i, havent felt like this in so many moons, you know what i mean? and we can build through this destruction, as we are standing on our feet..." i longed for the day i could make those words my own. now, "overrated" is a love song i could play for her, or a love song i can play to Him (i changed some words accordingly), as i like to do in my little room, at the dead of night. just me and Jesus.

and tonight i just got back from an evening of taking a run at the liberty state park boardwalk with my brothers. last year we did the same. my mom tried to get me to go out and exercise; she said it would help me to feel better. so last year i went, and i jogged with ray and rommel, did some exercises and what not. and i remember thinking back then, "oh how nice and how beautiful it would be if one day, God would allow me to bring her here. to walk the boardwalk together. have a picnic. take in the amazing landscape and worship God in His creation." as of today, i still have not taken her, but one day i will. one day.

afterward, both last year and this year, my mom took us to the dunkin donuts/baskin robbins in bayonne. it reminded me of how much my mom was there for me during my depression. i also thought about how far God has taken the new relationship that i am so blessed to be in: far. and i know everyone including myself has a long way to go yet. so much maturing to do. so much learning and growing to still do. i'm not where i was a year ago. and i don't wanna be where i am today a year from now. i have no doubts that once again, in about a year, i will testify to God's goodness, faithfulness, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, sovereignty, grace, and love. just as i am doing tonight.

so tonight, my mom, ray, rommel, and me got to talking about a lotta things around the kitchen table. i learned a lot. i'm trying to understand a lot. overall, it just makes me extremely sad to see all around me the damage that has been done to my family. i am not pointing fingers, but i cant help but feel like if i dont speak up, especially to the culprit(s), then no one will ever understand the depths of what my family has been through. what my parents have been through. people may never know. but i am seeing now that that's okay, because we have a God who does see all. and that in itself gives me comfort. and i know that He has allowed things to come to pass, so i will trust that there is a purpose. and a way. for peace, restoration, understanding, and most of all, joy. happiness. an end to pains, hurts, and tears.

i of all people, however, should not be talking. the hurts i have given away are the unpleasant parallels of last year. difficult moments, decisions. "rowan, look at yourself in the mirror. take a look back at your life and u will see that u have been no better." that i know. i have this way of complaining about life. and people. when all along i know better. i know that peoples' lives are what they make it out to be. my life and the lives of those that i love are what we make it out to be. doesn't matter who's guilty. doesn't matter who's innocent. there is one Judge over all. this one Judge and God is the Answer to all of the questions. the Doorway to truth.

the Doorway to life*

[[edit:]]
pray for the peace in Jerusalem,
Israel, and the Middle East:
http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/meast/08/07/netanyahu/index.html map: here.
the Jews are God's chosen people.
He will bless those who bless them.
He will curse those who curse them.
that's just Biblical truth.
[[end edit:]]

finished reading the book of James in my pocket Bible.. it's been helping me a whole lot these days, and making me realize a lot of things.. including things about myself, evaluating myself... it's kinda late right now though and i need to sleep soon, so God-willing i can write more about that a little later..

           .::it's been such a time of reflection::.

i just finished watching "the jacket" with some of my family just a little while ago:

the movie really does make you think.. i love psychological thrillers, but this one i liked especially because of the theme it portrayed.. the acting was really good (brodi is the man) and it gives the mind a lot to work with.. i personally liked it a lot; it's good if u can appreciate that kind of movie.. but i'm gonna let the movie speak for itself and do the rest of the talking..
                                                 .::reflection::.

been falling asleep to this at night:

it has proven to be extremely soothing to the soul.. with some well known songs like "take a look at me now," "one more night," "i will always love you," "wind beneath my wings," and "tears in heaven." i forgot how much i appreciated jazz and the saxophone....
                                                 .::soothing::.

i had a nice time at the mall today.. with my mom, ray, rom, and my cousin sabrina. i didnt buy anything, but i found it kinda special, as i remembered almost exactly a year ago i walked through the same mall (garden state plaza) at the beginning of the worst bout of depression i had ever had to go through.. amazing how far God can take us.. simply amazing.

just one of those nights i guess.. i'm in this reflective state so often that i think i'm getting used to it.. maybe it's a good thing... because then i clearly see and am reminded that God's goodness and faithfulness will always shine through and uphold me and those that i love. His mercies are new every morning, enduring forever and a day*

it's amazing to me.. how You haven't given up on me yet....



thank You Lord for reaching out to me when i need it the most. i am so unworthy .

as sum of u kno, ive been spending my days studying at the rutgers newark library. its intense, ive never studied so much in my life (n thats got to be a bad thing). but one thing that ive encountered during this time is a constantly wayward mind. i dont blame this sex crazed society, because i kno it is entirely within my ability to control my mind. i thought that after reading "every man's battle" some of this stuff wouldnt even be a problem anymore, but the battle is constant. i am longing for holy intimacy with my God-given life partner, but that has to wait. my body does not want to wait though.

i think ive learned enough in my time to be able to distinguish the voice of Truth from the lies of the devil (which isnt always easy). but my flesh finds every possible excuse. i hear a voice telling me, "d*mn rowan, u are the only person on the face of this earch who does not masturbate. people say they dont do it, but u kno d*mn well that they do because a life of total celibacy is impossible." then theres the voice of reason and common sense that tells me, "duh, that's a lie, you've proven it ureself. so has ure amazing and uncomparable girlfriend."

so today im fighting this battle at the library. release is calling out my name. fortunately, i anticipated this this morning and brought my Bible (!!). i picked up where i left off from my quiet time with the hopes of finding something to save me. James chapter 1:

2 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; 3 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. 4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. 5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. 6 But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. 7 For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord. 8 A double minded man is unstable in all his ways. 12 Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him. 13 Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: 14 But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. 15 Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death. 16 Do not err, my beloved brethren. 17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. 21 Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls. 22 But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves. 23 For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass: 24 For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was. 25 But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed. 26 If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain. 27 Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.

its funny because these past couple of months ive been praying for patience. u kno, patience in finding out God's will for my life, career, marriage, etc. and patience until i can see all this unfold. without patience, i am subject to my fleshly vices, it's true. but the answer hit me right there. ive given into temptation many times. but enduring temptation and not giving in, that's what will give me patience. and no, i am not enduring for the crown promised me, coz then my "religion" is in vain. that doesnt matter when u are living for a God and King you absolutely love and have given ure entire life to.

God has always been faithful in giving me a way out. from divine appointments with people to nose bleeds when im almost at the point of no return. but its up to me to heed His direction. and so upon reading James chapter 1, i was like forget this, i'm going to the gym. i thot it'd be too hot to run the track, but i pushed myself to do that too, and after that, i felt like a million dollars. the hormones were gone and i was jumping and leaping and praising God. i'm not ever gonna be perfect. and i will fall from time to time, i already know that and accept that. but i cant anticipate it or look forward to it. because what matters is that i give Christ my all, and that i have the heart to serve righteousness and not sin. that i have the willingness to die daily and fight this fight to the best of my ability.

because you and i are not alone. and with every victory it is our Father in Heaven Who is glorified.

talk to Him.

---

reflection.... the other day my aunt was at my house cooking with my mom for rommel's birthday, and we were talking and somehow my mom said that it was possible for me to become a movie star in the philippines (every american filipino kid's mom thinks this). n then i jokingly said, "yeah, they can make a movie about my life." to that my aunt replies, "oh please, your life is nothing. now ure mom, her life is much more dramatic than yours" (thanks?). so yeah, i know that, but with the little that ive been through, i have done a lot of damage.

ive done things that were pretty bad. i look back and i cannot even believe how i could possibly have been so ridiculously stupid. in fact, i kno that this may not be a good thing, but i find myself regretting a lot of the things i have done. now i dont live in that regret, but it's so disappointing to my human soul. i hurt the love of my life in ways you cannot even fathom. in that process, i have hurt others along the way (i should venture to say that my past is still causing pain). i have destroyed friendships that were never meant to be destroyed. i let lust, bitterness, anger, selfishness, and carnage take full control of my pitiful life.

i just hope that people will find it in their hearts to forgive me. i am reaping what i have sown. and i am now making decisions to the best of my ability for i am not in an easy place. for the time being, and i cannot tell you how long the time being is, i cannot speak to certain people connected to my past. deep within the depths of my heart i hope and pray that one day these people will understand that when you love someone as much as i love alana, a decision like this should not even be in question. all i have to do is put myself in her shoes, and know that i would feel the same way.

if u really want me to be honest, i feel like i am cursed to live a life of hurting people. i kno its not true, but its forever happening all around me. its hard to comprehend because all i want to do is build people up. and despite a redeemed life by the grace of Jesus, i am still paying some hefty fines for the troubles i got myself into over a year ago. the feeling of someone being mad or disappointed in me for one reason or another is not strange to me. confrontations and depression, not strange either. i can only pray to God that i am growing from all this.

"sometimes i'm hiding away, from the madness around me, like a child who's afraid of the dark."

i'm so afraid to do something that will hurt God, or make Him disappointed in me again. so everytime something comes up, i tell myself i will be strong, i will endure this, because in time there will be an end to all this. and i get thru by the grace of God, only to find that there's something else waiting for me. more hurts to give away, while my own spirit is breaking.

if you are lost at this point, i guess it's safe to say don't worry about it. i'm not saving face, because i kno God loves me despite my sorry self and misdeeds. my heart is crying out to all those ive wronged. crying out for forgiveness and understanding. i'm trying my hardest to pick up the broken pieces.

i wish the wrongs ive committed can somehow be made right. but i guess some wrongs are permanently etched in history. thank You Lord Jesus for dying such a painful death for my sins. thank You for loving me, this life that is me. sometimes i want to give up and call it quits.

then i feel Your touch nudging me forward. and then im not on my feet anymore.

because You are carrying me.

and keeping record of every tear (psalms 56:8).

---

i love my parents more than they will ever know. i thank God for them. i mean, even in this time of tension and disagreement, their love somehow finds a way to shine through (more of my mom, but my dad too, i can see it in how hard he works for my family). what's keeping me from fully enjoying the blessing that my parents are to me? it kills me that i cant bring my girlfriend home for dinner. it kills me that i cant invite alana to a night out with my family. it kills me that my father will not even look at her at my graduation, as if she did not even exist.

"this hand is bitterness, we wanna taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrows."

ive been fighting my anger, my attitude, and any glimpse of pride i might have in my heart. sometimes i feel like im holding myself back from answered prayers and God's blessings. ive also been trying to take greggie's advice and start helping out at the house with a happy heart. but it just isnt easy. tension is thick with my father i cannot even speak to him. i am longing for my mother and father to live in joy. to live in peace and happiness. i am broken every time i see my mom break down and cry. i see this too often. it cant be right.

break away? easier said than done. already tried. i was going to be forced to anyhow. either way, it makes me feel like crap that i am so dependent on them. i am jobless (i am grubbing off of them so badly right now). i am driver's liscence and permit-less. i live under their roof and eat the food they provide. i like to tell myself that this isnt all entirely my fault. since they want me to go to med school so bad right now. since they want me to take my mcat right now instead of getting a job. since they insist that i am "nothing without them" like i owe them something to be sticking around and staying in this place.

but i'm back to where i started: i love them. i dont ever want to have to let them go. i dont wanna be the cause of their pain. i want to be a son they can be proud of. but there's only so much i can do right? because like some people know, the real issues go far beyond me, alana, and race. all i can do right now is pray. i am praying for change. for understanding and compassion. i always try to live by the phrase "expect the worst but hope for the best." but with this situation i'm fighting with faith. and i have to know that things will get better.

they will get better. and God is working even now.

for me and you*

---

a part of me feels, that for anyone who actually read all this, that i pretty much just wasted ure time....

see..... all this.. is NOTHING. there are bigger things going on in the world. worse things.

and Lord forgive me for my selfishness.

my Lord.