August 8, 2005

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  .::paral lel to who i am::.
  much needed reminders
  

  this past weekend has reminded me so much of where i was a year ago today. parallel events that might seem meaningless, but not at all meaningless to me. like i said in my previous entry, a year ago i was going through my first and worst case of real depression. if i had decided to see a human therapist instead of allowing God to be my only Therapist, i have no doubts that i would have been clinically diagnosed, complete with weight loss, loss of sleep, and living in unspeakable anguish 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. time goes by real slow-like during times like that, and im sure many people can feel me on that.

  
  

  so as i was saying: parallels. there was the whole being at garden state plaza thing i talked about. i passed by the booth my family sat in last year at johnny rockets, and imagined/pictured myself sitting there. sitting there trying to escape the nightmare i was living, trying to laugh and smile everytime mika did something childishly cute, but not being able to. wishing i could call her up so that mika could sing her one of the songs that she makes up on the fly. i remember walking around that mall last august, just drained. mika was one of those kids that really did like me, but fronted about it because she liked the attention she got when she was being mean to me. she was like, 4 years old back then? but even she could see the sadness in my eyes, and she held my hand that day last august at garden state plaza. she sang me songs to cheer me up. she loved on me. a 4 year old girl.

  
  

  before we had gone to the mall on saturday, as usual we attended church at Sha'ar Adonai (meaning "the gate of the Lord"). last year, we watched a movie after church the first saturday i attended after my depression began. that movie was where i got the following encouragement: "there is no pit so deep, that God is not deeper still." selah. last saturday's message was based on Proverbs 3 verses 5 and 6. in case you don't know that one by heart, it reads "⁵ Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. ⁶ In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." these verses were really broken down, as i needed to recognize even more just how much wisdom they contained.

  
  

  then there was last night when we watched "the jacket" (after the mall). see, last year it was "the butterfly effect." last august my brother rommel had the unpleasant experience of having to live with me and watch me in my depression. he and i would be at home, with really nothing to do and nowhere to go. the house we used to live in was undergoing renovations (under landlord orders) and the conditions we were subject to were just unacceptable. everything we owned was literally cramped into our dining room and kitchen. and i mean everything, while people worked on the upstairs, livingroom, etc. all day. rommel would go on the computer to play this game he was hooked on, and i would go on the computer to do xanga. my days consisted of pacing inside and outside my house. reading books. reading my Bible. praying. and a whole lot of thinking.

  
  

  but yeah, i just side tracked. back to the movie thing. one night rommel and i borrowed "the butterfly effect" from across the street, and the movie kinda helped me to escape for a little while. by the end of it, i had a whole lot to reflect on. ashton kutcher's character was someone who would go back into his past in attempts to make right the things that he did wrong. and it helped me to see, in the simplest of ways, that we are all better off not playing God, because things in our life happen for a reason. even if things are a result of bad decisions, etc., our experiences and mistakes make us into who we are today. hard to accept, but very true.

  
  

  "the jacket," in turn (don't read the rest of this paragraph if you are planning on watching the movie), was about a guy (adrian brody) who would go into his future to try and save someone he loved, and make her life better than what it had turned out to be. he attempted this, without regard for his own life, and in the end, succeeded. it made me feel like last year God was showing me somehow that i need to accept what happened in my past and know that He is sovereign. and now this year, it's time for me to focus on the future, only He needs for me to focus on the future selflessly, a.k.a. approach it with wisdom and regard for all of those that i love. and this i am trying my hardest to do.

  
  

  after the movie, late into the night, i was in my room practicing this gavin degraw song rommel taught me on guitar called "overrated." during my depression, my brothers would always play his music, and one song in particular. everytime i hear gavin degraw's "follow through," i am automatically taken back to last august. the opening lines that caught my heart:"oh, this is the start of something good, don't you agree? i, havent felt like this in so many moons, you know what i mean? and we can build through this destruction, as we are standing on our feet..." i longed for the day i could make those words my own. now, "overrated" is a love song i could play for her, or a love song i can play to Him (i changed some words accordingly), as i like to do in my little room, at the dead of night. just me and Jesus.

  
  

  and tonight i just got back from an evening of taking a run at the liberty state park boardwalk with my brothers. last year we did the same. my mom tried to get me to go out and exercise; she said it would help me to feel better. so last year i went, and i jogged with ray and rommel, did some exercises and what not. and i remember thinking back then, "oh how nice and how beautiful it would be if one day, God would allow me to bring her here. to walk the boardwalk together. have a picnic. take in the amazing landscape and worship God in His creation." as of today, i still have not taken her, but one day i will. one day.

  
  

  afterward, both last year and this year, my mom took us to the dunkin donuts/baskin robbins in bayonne. it reminded me of how much my mom was there for me during my depression. i also thought about how far God has taken the new relationship that i am so blessed to be in: far. and i know everyone including myself has a long way to go yet. so much maturing to do. so much learning and growing to still do. i'm not where i was a year ago. and i don't wanna be where i am today a year from now. i have no doubts that once again, in about a year, i will testify to God's goodness, faithfulness, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, sovereignty, grace, and love. just as i am doing tonight.

  
  

  so tonight, my mom, ray, rommel, and me got to talking about a lotta things around the kitchen table. i learned a lot. i'm trying to understand a lot. overall, it just makes me extremely sad to see all around me the damage that has been done to my family. i am not pointing fingers, but i cant help but feel like if i dont speak up, especially to the culprit(s), then no one will ever understand the depths of what my family has been through. what my parents have been through. people may never know. but i am seeing now that that's okay, because we have a God who does see all. and that in itself gives me comfort. and i know that He has allowed things to come to pass, so i will trust that there is a purpose. and a way. for peace, restoration, understanding, and most of all, joy. happiness. an end to pains, hurts, and tears.

  
  

  i of all people, however, should not be talking. the hurts i have given away are the unpleasant parallels of last year. difficult moments, decisions. "rowan, look at yourself in the mirror. take a look back at your life and u will see that u have been no better." that i know. i have this way of complaining about life. and people. when all along i know better. i know that peoples' lives are what they make it out to be. my life and the lives of those that i love are what we make it out to be. doesn't matter who's guilty. doesn't matter who's innocent. there is one Judge over all. this one Judge and God is the Answer to all of the questions. the Doorway to truth.

  
  

  
  

  the Doorway to life*
  

  [[edit:]]
  pray for the peace in Jerusalem,
  Israel, and the Middle East:
  http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/meast/08/07/netanyahu/index.html map: here.
  the Jews are God's chosen people.
  He will bless those who bless them.
  He will curse those who curse them.
  that's just Biblical truth.
  [[end edit:]]

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