August 9, 2005

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  .::can't stop thinking::.
  can't stop writing
  

  i hate this. i was so behind on my self-made mcat study schedule that i had to revise it. now i'm behind on that one. every day that i come here i dread finding an empty room, getting my books out, and attempting to start my studying. i sit there staring blankly at my books, wishing i was at home sleeping, watching a movie, or better yet, working and making money. it's so sad. every day i see these same people in other rooms taking practice mcat exams and studying for hours on end. it's sad because i cant seem to find that motivation. this stuff is just so hard. i'm starting to think that my brain is not built for this stuff. less than 2 weeks left. there are people all over the world dying, suffering, and living in pain. i wanted to become a doctor so that i could use my skills, talents, and knowledge to fight against diseases and unwellness. but now the question that is begging to be asked is: do i have the skills, talents, and knowledge in the first place? i keep telling God in times like this, "Lord, only you know what will make me happy. i don't know anymore. please Lord, open up my eyes so that i could see Your will for my life. i feel so lost sometimes."

  
  

  on another note, there are so many things ive been putting off and meaning to do. studying has really killed any chance of me enjoying my summer. i've been meaning to call my best friend luke to catch up, and let him know that i'm praying for him and jewel. i've been putting off the picnic james and i were planning. lana and i were supposed to go with him and jaz to liberty state park for a barbeque, but now we're both studying our heads off for the august mcat. i only pray that he is faring off much better than i am. darrvi and i were supposed to go camping. like forreal camping out in the woods with a bonfire and tent and stuff. in the middle of God's amazing creation. we invited paul and anyone else who wants to be down. but that too has to wait. i think i may have promised lana that i would take her to the beach before the end of the summer, but now i dont know if i can keep that promise and it makes me feel like crap. been putting off r.e.s.e.t., getting my permit (and thus my licence), taking alana to the met; so many things.

  
  

  but then again, how can i expect to do all these things when i'm broke as anything. i have $0.87 in my checking account, $0.00 in my savings, an expired credit card, an empty wallet, and a couple pennies in my bookbag. i searched 2 months for a job and got nothing, so that's when i decided to study full-time. i'm even ignoring my responsibilities of completing secondary applications to medical schools for this dang studying. so once my mcat is done on the 20th, i'll only have a couple days to fill out some of the secondary applications that are due sooner than others. then i need to start looking for a job again, start looking into graduate schools or health professions schools. maybe even further my education at rutgers doing pharmacy or something. but i need to know what God wants me to do with my life. it seems like a complete mess right now (because in case i didnt mention it, the chances of me getting into medical school are like a billion to one, seriously). so until i do know, my Lord i will be praying and waiting for You to speak.

  
  

  i have this dream: i come home from work (whatever "work" may be for me in the future), and home doesnt even have to be a house at this point, a cozy apartment would suit me just fine. but in this dream, i am financially stable and independent. i have a fixed income to pay fixed monthly bills. although my wife has her own career and helps out with the finances, i am blessed with a career that allows me to take care of most of the responsibilities. our apartment is clean, comfortable, and simple. my wife is home from work as well and we are enjoying dinner together talking about how our day was and stuff. turn on some music, some sax by the fire music (see 2 entries previously below), and just enjoy a much needed relaxing evening. in the livingroom we have a flat screen television, complete with surround sound and an xbox or playstation 3 (lol). now we can pick a movie from our dvd library (which i plan to start building once i get money and a job; i've already listed down dvd's i want that i think are worth owning) and pop it in. after the movie we can do our quiet time, spend time with God, and pray together, as we do every night. and then we retire for bed. the whole time, my wife and i can have peace, because we also know that our respective families and loved ones are also okay and happy and secure. we know that God has been faithful throughout the years to all of us, and we know that He will remain faithful still for the rest of our years to come. sound ridiculous? dreams can come true though right (?).

  
  

  last night i asked my mom if she was ever tempted to play lottery. she said yes, and i wasnt suprised. she had tried it when we were younger, but realized that God would never let her win so she was just wasting her time. besides, as she helped me to also realize, the lottery is a sick exploitation of the poor. yeah, people win from time to time, but the winners win at the expense of the sweat of millions of hardworking people. some people play their whole lives and never win a cent. if they had saved up all that money, invested it or something, they would have been much better off. exploitation. and a lack of trust on our part. not trusting God to provide for our financial needs. so i decided again last night, that i would stop trying to think of ways to get fast cash.

  
  

  the only thing that seems to be going right for me these days is my workout and my diet. ive been pretty consistent for a measly 3 weeks. the problem is, i havent been losing any weight. while i feel great after hitting the gym and the track, and while ive been juicing fruits and vegetables like no tomorrow, there havent really been any physical signs of improvement. but thats ok though, coz what matters is the stuff going on inside, and that i am trying to keep this body healthy. this body that is on loan to me, the temple of God's Holy Spirit. the body i am responsible for taking care of. i owe it to God and my family (both now and in the future when i have my own family) to do all i can to live a long and healthy life. we all do if you think about it.

  
  

  last night i lay in bed listening to music. for the past few months i've been listening to almost only Christian music. like, 99.1 type songs.  but i dunno, for some reason i felt like listening to some r&b. i used to be the biggest r&b fan out there. love songs were my life (well no, not really) and it used to be the only type of music i would listen to. but all of that changed when i fell in love with Jesus Christ. but as i was saying, i whipped out some mp3s on my laptop last night, and it just amazed me how songs can automatically inflict feelings and memories into a person's soul. a lot of it made me smile. i reminisced a lot about my childhood, teenage years, and growing up. the memories man. i just layed there in bed. then i thought about my 4 years at rutgers university. drifting in and out of sleep.

  
  

  
  

  oh, and i've been having the sickest dreams at night.

  • 2:20 pm
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