A very telling and profound Scripture regarding God's plan for all of humanity:
Romans 11:29-32 "For God has imprisoned everyone in disobedience so he could have mercy on everyone." (v. 32)
God's zeal for His own glory- may this Truth penetrate deeply into our hearts and minds, as we continue changing and learning and growing in Him:
http://4whatitsworth.wordpress.com/2007/11/26/john-piper-on-gods-glory/
Numbers 14:11-23 "But truly, as I live, all the earth shall be filled with the glory of the LORD." Thank You Lord Jesus for continually interceding for me (Romans 8:34), imperfect and flawed as I am. I love You..
I imagine God wanting to strike me down for my shortcomings and unfaithfulness, and I see Jesus pleading before Him on my behalf- one look at Christ, and He is instantly reminded of the price that was paid for my soul, and I am continually spared. May it be that I set my eyes on Christ even more, that I might stop breaking my God's heart so much.
On another note: the plea of Moses amazingly still echoes today....
I walk into my parents' bedroom and I cry.
I'm gonna miss my family so much after I get married.
And it's not because I fear independence- what I fear is not being able to come back even just to visit.
When I was living in Dominica for four months at a time, it wasn't that difficult because I knew that I had a home, my family, to come back to.
Losing your family is so hard.
I realize and embrace the fact that Alana and I will be forming our own family, but there is such deep sadness when I think about the one I will lose.
My family.
How does a boy, grow up to be a man?
How do you know?
Does the little boy inside ever go away?
I am still a child inside.
This I feel.
For fears of disconnecting are very real.
For despair at their sorrow sinks my heart into unseen depths.
I understand why families are so tight-knit in certain cultures.
I totally understand it.
I miss my family so, so much.
But when pressures and expectations go overboard,
It becomes extremely unhealthy,
And burdensome,
And sad,
And complicated.
You lose joy, you lose happiness, you lose peace.
Where is my family?
I just wanna stop crying.
I just wanna stop crying when things go silent.
I'm tired of constantly fighting tears.
I just wanna stop feeling alone.
I just wanna stop feeling... inadequate.
I want everyone to find happiness.
Would it be easier if they were happy for me?
Would it be easier if they supported me?
How do you get married without the support of your parents,
The very cornerstone of your life up to that point,
What you've known, felt safety and comfort in, your entire life?
I don't feel safe. I don't feel comfortable.
How do you get married knowing, that for whatever reason,
You are ruining their lives?
Everything they ever worked for,
Everything they ever hoped for.
Everything they ever wanted,
And selflessly at that, out of love,
For me.
Am I misinterpreting my feelings.
Am I misinterpreting my surroundings.
Am I loving strong?
Am I idolizing?
Am I repeating history,
Living the very way that is causing my pain.
How do I break away?
Mixed emotions.
Any given thing,
Any given topic:
I might be okay and strong with at one moment-
And that same thought,
Might depress me at another.
Seasaw.
Unpredictable.
But always dark.
Lord, please give me back the joy of my salvation,
And thus may Your joy, be my strength.
Amen.
Who will cry for the little boy, lost and all alone.
Who will cry for the little boy, abandoned without his own.
Who will cry for the little boy- he cried himself to sleep.
Who will cry for the little boy, who never had for keeps.
Who will cry for the little boy, who walked the burning sand.
Who will cry for the little boy- the boy inside the man.
Who will cry for the little boy, who knew well hurt and pain.
Who will cry for the little boy, who died and died again.
Who will cry for the little boy- a good boy he tried to be.
Who will cry for the little boy, who cries inside me.
"He was despised and rejected, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering." -Isaiah 53:3a
"He came unto His own, and His own received Him not." -John 1:11
I am absolutely not comparing myself with my Jesus (for there is no comparison).... but I mention these Scriptures to remind myself: He knows my pain- this I know, and this I find comfort in... my Jesus....
The Longest Night ©
rowancv 12/23/10- 03:00 AM
I napped for six hours this afternoon,
Woke up alone in my cousin's livingroom.
Plans failed so plans changed,
Tested the waters for the time that remained.
Fear and anxiety crept up like the dawn,
As I knew tonight was the night I had to talk to my mom.
The whole purpose of my trip culminated to this,
Yet I still felt like it would be hit or miss.
And miss it did...
We got to the condo and my bro knocked out,
With the lights out I sat on the bed as my mom bustled about.
There was an empty bedroom but I refused to enter in,
What seemed like forever tortured me within.
My mom entered and I finally asked
If I could talk with her straight without any masks.
"No, not now, please Rowan, not now,"
But I forced her to talk with me anyhow.
I let out what I kept in for an eternity of months,
Distress blanketed the woman I love at once.
Her words came like bullets but that I was ready to take,
I wasn't there to argue so I let my heart silently break.
I confirmed the finality I heard in her tone,
Her heart was breaking too and we were both still alone.
How could two people love each other so much, and yet...
The talk was short but it seemed so long,
I lay in bed as my mom bustled along.
There was an empty bedroom but I refused to enter in,
What seemed like forever tortured me within.
An eerie relief was finally complete,
And I drifted a little bit into sleep.
When I woke up I heard my mom crying outside,
Very softly and silent but loud in my mind.
The light in the hall bled in through the doorway,
I stared at the ceiling, I was far from okay.
Five blades on the fan stared back at me,
But there are six people in my family.
A flood of thoughts and wishes and despairs,
I could never fully understand what's going on there.
I just wanted to run out and hold her...
One sniffle then the next, thought it'd never stop,
At long last she broke into sobs and I wished she would stop.
There was an empty bedroom but I refused to enter in,
What seemed like forever tortured me within.
She finally composed herself and walked inside,
I pretended to sleep but felt her deep eyes.
I waited a while and then took a small peek
To find my mother praying beside me.
She finally lay and turned her body away,
I turned my head to love on the one I'm thankful for each day.
A woman full of hurts, a woman full of dreams,
She's so much more than what other people see.
I stretched out both hands in the dark,
And reached up for Hope with all of my heart.
I would give her the world...
It had taken all that I am for me not to cry,
But I finally had to wipe a tear from my eye.
There was an empty bedroom but I refused to enter in,
What seemed like forever tortured me within.
At long last she fell asleep, and I beg God to meet her tonight,
As I snuck out down to the lobby for a quiet place to write.
My poem completed and here I lie,
Emotions expressed and hung to dry-
My turn to cry.......
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