January 4, 2011
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How does a boy, grow up to be a man?
How do you know?
Does the little boy inside ever go away?
I am still a child inside.
This I feel.
For fears of disconnecting are very real.
For despair at their sorrow sinks my heart into unseen depths.
I understand why families are so tight-knit in certain cultures.
I totally understand it.
I miss my family so, so much.
But when pressures and expectations go overboard,
It becomes extremely unhealthy,
And burdensome,
And sad,
And complicated.
You lose joy, you lose happiness, you lose peace.
Where is my family?
I just wanna stop crying.
I just wanna stop crying when things go silent.
I'm tired of constantly fighting tears.
I just wanna stop feeling alone.
I just wanna stop feeling... inadequate.
I want everyone to find happiness.
Would it be easier if they were happy for me?
Would it be easier if they supported me?
How do you get married without the support of your parents,
The very cornerstone of your life up to that point,
What you've known, felt safety and comfort in, your entire life?
I don't feel safe. I don't feel comfortable.
How do you get married knowing, that for whatever reason,
You are ruining their lives?
Everything they ever worked for,
Everything they ever hoped for.
Everything they ever wanted,
And selflessly at that, out of love,
For me.
Am I misinterpreting my feelings.
Am I misinterpreting my surroundings.
Am I loving strong?
Am I idolizing?
Am I repeating history,
Living the very way that is causing my pain.
How do I break away?
Mixed emotions.
Any given thing,
Any given topic:
I might be okay and strong with at one moment-
And that same thought,
Might depress me at another.
Seasaw.
Unpredictable.
But always dark.
Lord, please give me back the joy of my salvation,
And thus may Your joy, be my strength.
Amen.
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