..at least one thing went right this week..

my ross peeps: you know what it's like. this is more for my non ross friends.. actually, maybe it's just for me.



my current life:

i wake up at about 7:15 every morning, get on my knees by my bed, say my morning prayer, brush my teeth, get showered and dressed in 20-25 minutes, and get driven down to campus just in time for 8 am classes. i get my usual 2 pancakes soaked in syrup (in hopes that the sugar will help get me up) and on a good day, they'll have mango juice available. i'm glad to say that i've been focusing much better in class compared w/ how i was 1st and 2nd semester, but bad packets are enough to ruin my concentration. so is behavioral (behavioral is our 1 nonbasic sciences course). classes lately have been ending anywhere from 3-5 pm. between the time classes end and the time i go home, i am in study mode. my weekend, apart from church, also consists of study mode.

the study cycle: i sit in the back left corner of classroom 5. as uncool as i used to think squating was (squating = leaving your things on a table/chair/area everyday/overnight to ensure that nobody takes "your spot"), i pretty much do it now, joining some fun, yet studious people in claiming territory. anyway, my studying consists of a few things. on a good day, the majority of my time is spent outlining and diagramming packets. it's not exactly studying; i consider it more like, organizing information. it's bad, but i usually only commit the information to memory when exams start to lurk around the corner, a.k.a. one, two, or three nights before (so bad). in between outlining and diagramming, my mind tends to wander a lot. i think of the deepest and sometimes most random things. i think about life, where i am now, where i'd be if i failed or succeeded in med school. i think about all the problems in the world, i think about God, i think about possibilities and lost opportunities. i get realizations, ideas, and epiphonies. i think about people in my life, past and present. i think about events, close to home and far from home. more often, it's events close to home. i think about my problems with my parents. i think about my love for my parents, and their love for me. i think about my gf, our past and our present, the struggles and the great times. i think about my brothers and how much i miss them. some thoughts are so quick and strong enough to instantly plunge me into depression right then and there. some thoughts are enough to bring tears to my eyes. and then i mentally slap myself and resume "studying." the most depressing thought that haunts me though, is the thought of my parents, and my relationship with them, b/c i know that in the end, i won't be able to do what's expected of me. i become afraid, not of what it means for me, but what it means for them. their pain is depressing to me, because i love them more than anyone knows or understands. my mind often goes back to really, really fond memories of them, and i'd wish they'd be so loving nowadays (they think that of me too). thoughts of my parents are lovely, but at the same time, the most tormenting. i am so powerless in my struggle. the music i listen to can affect my thoughts as well (it's amazing how powerful music is). while studying, i might be listening to music (lately it's been a lot of paul wilbur(Messianic music), songs in Hebrew, matisyahu, or just the usual contemporary Christian stuff) or i might not be (i'm usually not, to help me focus better). but if i am, a certain song might come up and remind me of someone, or some time or event in my life, and i'll miss it like crazy. it'll fluctuate my mood from happy that it happened, to really sad that it's gone. that can happen without music too. what happens also while i'm studying: i'll think of a place or something i used to do, anywhere from that park in bayonne by the hudson river, to crappy 'ol journal square and sip ave., to driving on route 1&9, and i'll get overcome with such a strong longing and desire to just see it again, to be back there, or to just do that thing that i used to do, as simple a thing as driving (one way i overcome this, is that i tell myself: if you find yourself back in jersey city, you'd be even more depressed b/c you'd be doing nothing with your life). in my life, this is what it means to be doing something with it. sometime i look around at people, and i wonder, why can't i be that smart. or, how can he/she study so hard? so effieciently? it's not fair (unjustified feeling). getting frustrated and overwhelmed also causes my mind to wander. sometimes i talk to God and ask Him the dumbest questions that i already know the answers to, or questions that i should know better than to be asking. it's usually a self-absorbed world i find myself in (not good). i find ways to stay strong mentally. like, once i thought, when i die, this is what i want written on my tombstone: "here lies rowan c. v., servant of God." that'll explain why my life went the way it did, and how i got through it. it reminds me of my purpose. it reminds me of who i am in Christ. my thoughts fly while i am studying. they fly, tumble, get jumbled, criss-cross, uncross, squeeze and tug at my brain. a billion different things all at once. they confuse me sometimes. in the movie "the departed," dicaprio's character was getting ragged on by a superior about how twisted his life has been, and he was asked, "how f*cked up are you?" if anyone knew about the chaos in my mind, daily, they'd probably ask the same question. i ask myself that question. but yeah, i think/know that i'm not. i also know that i would be without God. getting up and going for a walk does wonders sometimes. even if it's just to go to the bathroom (which i do a lot) or refill my water bottle. moving on: in between "studying," i also only eat when i'm hungry, when i need motivation, or when i feel like my brain just needs glucose to keep on going. my food consists of the shacks (locally cooked food) and chinese food. every day. that in itself can drive one crazy, but believe it or not, i've gotten used to it. same goes for snacking. snacks really help keep me in study mode. so all this. all this is going on in my world until it's time to go home. all this while i'm sitting in seat G31, in classroom 5 on ross's campus, on a tiny little island in the caribbean, staring into this 17" screen on my laptop, trying to make something of myself. it's no wonder i'm always playing catch-up.

when it gets late, i either catch a ride up with viktor or take the transport back home. the transport drivers (2 out of 3) have been giving us hell just for us to get home at night. since 1st semester. to make a long story short, if coach isn't driving, i get dropped off at the bottom of the hill i live on (steepest hill ever), and walk up in the dark, hoping i don't encounter or step on any snakes. usually, after i turn the corner, where it gets dark except for the moonlight, i take off my shirt so that by the time i get to the top, it's not drenched in sweat. my post journey back home activities include talking w/ alana on the phone, watching tv, playing 1 game of nba 2k7, and/or going online. then i try to lay out my clothes for the next day, drink water, turn on the fan, shut the lights, and fall asleep for an average of 6 hours, only to restart the cycle. and that's what a normal day is like for me. notice that my Bible reading and quiet time are not even mentioned. though i do it once in a while, it's not as often as it ought to be, and i won't front like it is. i'm trying to change that though. trying and will.

oh yeah, and every monday we get dressed up for ICM (physical examination practice) and behavioral lab (patient interview practice). that, by far, is the biggest variance to my daily cycle. gym time has also been significantly reduced. 1st semester i used to go every other day for 2 hrs. each day. that has been cut down to 2 hrs. each week.

going through the motions for a long enough time is enough to change you. medical school changes you. dominica changes you. i'm different today. different from who i was in grammar school, high school, college, and in my post-college days. jaimeo saw me when i went back home this past break and he side, "brotha, you look older. you look like you been through some stuff." some, though i'm willing to bet that it's nothing compared to what's ahead. nothing even, compared to many other people.

but this is me. my current life. i might be 40 lbs. lighter than when i first came to ross, w/ the longest hair i've ever had in my life, but the biggest difference can only be seen if you look into my eyes. 'coz then you might get a glimpse of my soul.

i usually have a purpose to my posts. i really can't think of one for this one.. i guess i just needed to write.


2 timothy 1:7.

#1: it took yet another miracle, but praise God i made it through my second semester. some people think i worry about my grades too much, which maybe i do, but i am not even close to intellectually gifted as the majority of my classmates. my academic viability always comes down to the wire. contrary to what some people might think, although i definitely put in extremely hard work, there is no way i can get through any semester without my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

#2: there are simply too many beautiful people to thank for helping me get through second semester, and although i'm not going to name you all, you must know that i am truly grateful and appreciative for every big and little thing. my prayer is that God will richly bless you for the kindness you have shown me.

#3: my break was only long enough for me to catch my breath. classes started today and we are all back in the grind, right back where we left off. in the eyes of an american child (my eyes), it really hits me, when i step back and observe, how this long, drawn-out experience is shaping our being. i got to keep looking at it as a privilege.

---

Palestinian rival factions (Hamas & Fatah Coalitions) agree to unity government

POSTED: 1:08 p.m. EDT, March 17, 2007

GAZA CITY (CNN) ....Miri Eisin, spokeswoman for Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert,
reiterated Israel's rejection of the Palestinian government on
Saturday, citing Haniya's remarks and the Hamas-led government's
rejection of three positions sought by Israel -- recognition of the
Jewish state, renunciation of terror, and abiding by agreements signed
with Israel in the past.

"Sadly, this new government not only
does not accept the three international principles, but also in the
presentation in the last hour today, Palestinian Prime Minister Ismail
Haniya openly and repeatedly called for the right of resistance, which
clearly means terror and violence by the Palestinians against Israel,"
Eisin said.

"Israel will not recognize or deal with this government or its members."....

....Although both factions agreed on a variety of terms, the new
government's refusal to explicitly endorse Israel's right to exist may
leave Western countries unwilling to embrace it.

complete article: http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/meast/03/17/palestinian.abbas/index.html

---

Genesis 35:3. I came across this verse again a few nights ago, and I remember thinking that it really says something about the power of the God Whom we serve. The verse reads: "And they journeyed: and the terror of God was upon the cities that were round about them, and they did not pursue after the sons of Jacob." So to backtrack a little bit, Jacob's daughter, Dinah, in the previous chapter, was "defiled" (the general concensus believes that she was raped; in either case, they layed w/ each other) by a guy named Shechem, who was the son of the prince of the Hivites. Shechem becomes attached to Dinah and seeks to marry her. He begs Jacob and offers a dowry for Dinah, while his father also tries to give reasons why it would be good for the Hivites and Israelites to be allied w/ one another. But two of Jacob's sons (Simeon & Levi) step in before Jacob could respond, and they tell Shechem and his father that they would not mind giving their sister up for marriage, but on one condition. According to Israeli custom, all the Hivite men were to be circumcised. Suprisingly, they agree to the condition. Then on the 3rd day, Simeon & Levi killed all the males of their city (they could not fight because they were 3 days into circumcision). They killed Shechem and his father as well, and took Dinah out of their house/city, spoiled (looted) the city, took captives, and returned to their bretheren. Jacob hears of this and is very afraid b/c he knows that the neighbors of the Hivites can and would easily attack the Israelites as they journeyed by the Canaanite tribes, seeking revenge against Simeon & Levi. Jacob chastizes them and reminds them that they are few in number, and that they have given him and their bretheren a bad rep. in that land.

So now on to chapter 35. It is believed that Jacob must have turned to God in desperation, seeing the predicament he was now in b/c of what happened in the previous chapter. God tells Jacob to go to Bethel, which is about 25 miles further south. Bethel is the place where God had met w/ Jacob when he fled from his brother Esau. It was also where Abraham (Jacob's grandfather) built the family altar when he settled in the Promised Land. These things may have reminded Jacob that his family had brought with them idols dedicated to other gods that they had worshipped. For example, if you'll remember, Rachel (Jacob's wife) had stolen her father's idols (Genesis 31:19) and Jacob did not do anything to stop, prevent, or reprimand this idolatry. But now in this time of need he called his whole family/bretheren/servants to honor God by putting "away the strange gods that are among you, and be clean, and change your garments." Jacob called for this in order that they might honor the God Who had helped, answered, and protected him over the past 20 years. So he gets rid of all the idols and the Israelites begin their journey towards Bethel. "And they journeyed: and the terror of God was upon the cities that
were round about them, and they did not pursue after the sons of Jacob."

While I'm sure there could be a hundred different messages/morals that could be derived from this part of Scripture, the one that kinda hit me was this: during whatever was happening in chapter 34, there was sin and idolatry in the house of Jacob. At the end of the chapeter, he was obviously very afraid (specifically, afraid of the Canaanites). By chapter 35, God speaks to him, and Jacob is convicted to call on all his family and people and have them remove all the ungodly things in their household. He asks them to remove idols, to purge themselves of sin. Jacob is talking about more than the physical idols inside physical houses. He is also more importantly referring to personal/spiritual idols in the lives of his bretheren. An idol can be anything that takes priority and place over God in a person's life- in their lives as well as in our lives, whether it be school, money, sex, a spouse/partner, position, and the list goes on.. Jacob is calling for repentance and a purged, cleaned heart. The Israelites obliged, and once all those things were put away, and they were travelling together, like-minded towards bethel, we find that the fear kinda shifts. It's the Canaanites who are afraid of them, and it is because they were afraid of the God Who went before the children of Israel, afraid of the One guiding and looking over a people who turned back to their First Love. When we are living in obedience, and when we are about God's work, we are under a special, divine protection. Protection from wickedness, protection from spiritual and physical enemies, protection from danger and harm. God is quick to forgive as well. His mercies are from everlasting to everlasting (Psalms 103:17) on those who fear Him. When we abide in Him, and seek and try our best to live righteously, God sends His protection and favor on us- you and me. No one can be perfect, but we can live life trying. Life will not be perfect, but it will be doable w/ Him by our side. "...If God be for us, who can be against us?" -Romans 8:31. Remember the power of God. Try to apply it to every aspect of your life, from worshipping, to praying in faith, to sharing the Gospel. And to think, this is the God Whom we serve, the same God yesterday, today, and tomorrow, Who protected Jacob and the Israelites, Who is with us day and night, and Who loves us more than we can ever know.

potluck, chapter 2 (!) at helena on the hill (or mountain to others)

.:: setting up/cleaning ::.

.:: can you name all these dishes? bangin' chicken adobo, champ-o-rado, sinangag, & chinese styled hard-boiled eggs ::.
.:: not to mention history in the making- 1st kare-kare dish cooked on the island of dominica.. ever. w/ bagoong alamang! lol ::.

.:: what's a potluck w/out more things to make us not want to study? x-izzbox ::.
.:: somebody please beat kobe bryant and the lakers next time (but yeah, i know 2k is biased towards kobe haha!) ::.
.:: oh, and 1 more thing.. halo next semester?? i didn't say it =oX ::.

.:: enrique attempting to study.. hey, it's the thought that counts ::.
.:: trevor (my landlord) bringin' in a fashionably late dish: codfish w/ tomatoes, eggs, & potatoes; pretty huh? ::.

.:: what's a good thing about being the host? pshh, what else? leftovers!! my fridge has never been this full. i love it ::.

.:: thanks to everyone that showed up, cooked, brought dishes/drinks, & helped w/ setup and cleanup ::.
.:: good timesss.. i'm really thankful for you guys.. and God knows i (we) need days like this ::.
.:: 'til next semester (or whenever you wanna make the hike up), peace-up, a-town down.... back to studying ::.

---

---