...Ain't nobody, loves me betta'...

Last month, due to very unfortunate circumstances, I missed out on a Paul Wilbur concert that I had been looking forward to for weeks. Everything about the situation just left me feeling incredibly hurt and bummed out. So about two weeks ago, Lana tells me to mark my calender and make sure I am free on October 11th for a SURPRISE (!!). I tried, of course, to guess this surprise, but only in vain. So when I found out last night that her surprise was a PAUL WILBUR CONCERT, you can imagine how crazy surprised I was! Unfortunately, the concert was canceled (weird), but in all honesty, the thought means infinitely more to me. I would never have guessed! And it means a lot to me that she would consider something I am really into and try to plan a surprise for me around it (say it with me: Spurs game next time! LOL, j/k hunni). I have the best fiancee ever .

...Makes me happy, makes me feel this way..

Lana, I hope you never get tired of me telling you how much I adore you. I seem to fall deeper and deeper in love with you each day, and that's how I want it to be for the rest of our lives. Everything about you just draws me to you, even the weird things you do! Just kidding, I am a lot weirder I know. Remember how I said that I love the sound of a baby's laughter? Well, I love the sound of your laughter too. I have so much fun with you, and nobody can lift up my spirits like you can. You are also too cute for your own good . People often long for a best friend- someone they can come to for anything, someone who they know will not judge them as they pour their heart out. God gave me the bestest friend I could ask for. Truly.

A few pics:

Deserted parking lot, but beautiful sunset.

I miss you already.

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This is the ILLEST Spurs gear ever created:

I LOVE it. This one is mine :

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My breathing problems are getting better. I'm not near 100% yet, but I am doing noticeably better. Thank You Lord, and thank you all who have been praying for me. It means so much.

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A message on/relating to John chapter 9 two days in a row? Definitely worth a look:

Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind

 ¹As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. ²His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"

 ³"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. ⁴As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. ⁵While I am in the world, I am the light of the world."

 ⁶Having said this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man's eyes. ⁷"Go," he told him, "wash in the Pool of Siloam" (this word means Sent). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing.

 ⁸His neighbors and those who had formerly seen him begging asked, "Isn't this the same man who used to sit and beg?" ⁹Some claimed that he was.
      Others said, "No, he only looks like him."
      But he himself insisted, "I am the man."

 ¹⁰"How then were your eyes opened?" they demanded.

 ¹¹He replied, "The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes. He told me to go to Siloam and wash. So I went and washed, and then I could see."

 ¹²"Where is this man?" they asked him.
      "I don't know," he said.

The Pharisees Investigate the Healing

 ¹³They brought to the Pharisees the man who had been blind. ¹⁴Now the day on which Jesus had made the mud and opened the man's eyes was a Sabbath. ¹⁵Therefore the Pharisees also asked him how he had received his sight. "He put mud on my eyes," the man replied, "and I washed, and now I see."

 ¹⁶Some of the Pharisees said, "This man is not from God, for he does not keep the Sabbath."
      But others asked, "How can a sinner do such miraculous signs?" So they were divided.

 ¹⁷Finally they turned again to the blind man, "What have you to say about him? It was your eyes he opened."
      The man replied, "He is a prophet."

 ¹⁸The Jews still did not believe that he had been blind and had received his sight until they sent for the man's parents. ¹⁹"Is this your son?" they asked. "Is this the one you say was born blind? How is it that now he can see?"

 ²⁰"We know he is our son," the parents answered, "and we know he was born blind. ²¹But how he can see now, or who opened his eyes, we don't know. Ask him. He is of age; he will speak for himself." ²²His parents said this because they were afraid of the Jews, for already the Jews had decided that anyone who acknowledged that Jesus was the Christ would be put out of the synagogue. ²³That was why his parents said, "He is of age; ask him."

 ²⁴A second time they summoned the man who had been blind. "Give glory to God," they said. "We know this man is a sinner."

 ²⁵He replied, "Whether he is a sinner or not, I don't know. One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see!"

 ²⁶Then they asked him, "What did he do to you? How did he open your eyes?"

 ²⁷He answered, "I have told you already and you did not listen. Why do you want to hear it again? Do you want to become his disciples, too?"

 ²⁸Then they hurled insults at him and said, "You are this fellow's disciple! We are disciples of Moses! ²⁹We know that God spoke to Moses, but as for this fellow, we don't even know where he comes from."

 ³⁰The man answered, "Now that is remarkable! You don't know where he comes from, yet he opened my eyes. ³¹We know that God does not listen to sinners. He listens to the godly man who does his will. ³²Nobody has ever heard of opening the eyes of a man born blind. ³³If this man were not from God, he could do nothing."

 ³⁴To this they replied, "You were steeped in sin at birth; how dare you lecture us!" And they threw him out.

Spiritual Blindness

 ³⁵Jesus heard that they had thrown him out, and when he found him, he said, "Do you believe in the Son of Man?"

 ³⁶"Who is he, sir?" the man asked. "Tell me so that I may believe in him."

 ³⁷Jesus said, "You have now seen him; in fact, he is the one speaking with you."

 ³⁸Then the man said, "Lord, I believe," and he worshiped him.

 ³⁹Jesus said, "For judgment I have come into this world, so that the blind will see and those who see will become blind."

 ⁴⁰Some Pharisees who were with him heard him say this and asked, "What? Are we blind too?"

 ⁴¹Jesus said, "If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains.

I can't wait to walk into a spotless clean bathroom in my own place,
Feel the plush carpet massage my feet and my toes

bright lights in my face.
While smelling the deliciousness of the dinner Lana is preparing,
Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath while I'm hearin'
The low hum of classic Christmas music coming from the livingroom,
Inside feeling super comfortably warm, outside a full moon.
Just dwelling in the favor of the Lord, aware of His presence no doubt,
Ahhhh....... yes, these are the things I fantasize about.

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Wrote the following piece for a contest (50 word limit):

This Filipino boy writing,

And his African/Indian princess.
Will never stop fighting.
Seven year reflection:
Faith overcoming sin,
Family rejection,
Two years in separate countries….
So I gave my closest friend
The proposal she deserved:

Swimming with dolphins-
Her lifelong dream.
Another chapter in our story’s theme:

RECONCILIATION.

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A few thoughts:

I wish I had money... a lot of money.

My asthma has been acting up REAL bad. I cannot breathe. Haven't been able to study, sleep, or exercise.
Doctor says it might be anxiety because my lungs sound good. I am taking Proventil and Alvesco.

I've officially gained 25 lbs since January. Feels gross.

By 6:30 am every weekday morning I am at the Seton Hall library. I hope I can keep this up.

I bought a Mitchell and Ness Spurs Hoody that I am super psyched about receiving by hopefully Monday.

I love my Spurs and Adrian Peterson card collection.

Praying that the Lord will give me a Word for the R.E.S.E.T. reunion.

Contrary to what others might think, I truly can't wait to start planning for my wedding (after I pass STEP 1).

I can't wait for Sunday.

God bless.

This gave me chills:

..truth..

My Birthday (Sept. 13^th)

I first wanna thank my lovely fiancée, who helped ease a very difficult day on the 12^th. She accompanied me to Panera (where I studied), just knowing that her presence with me would be soothing and helpful. Afterwards she treated me to IHOP for dinner (more like breakfast lol), and I had a beautiful time with my best friend, as always. I love you Lana to death….

I flew out to Miami to take the Comp the following morning. My great parents took me to the airport to see me off. On the flight I had already forgotten it was my birthday until I received a voicemail when I got off the plane from none other than Tita Ruby and Mama Amor!! I can always count on them to remember  (even when I don't! lol). I want to also sincerely thank everyone who called, including Luke (who I need to get back to!), Piero, and Darrvi- it means a lot to me brothers. Also big thanks to Nanna who called me as well, greeted me, and poured some oil in my lamp to keep it burning burning burning!! I must say that you and Rose have been such an ever present encouragement in my journey. I’m glad we are all in this together.

So back to the airport!! I wanna give a HUUUUUGE THANK YOU to Melissa Lee (!!!) for picking me up! I know others might see this as a “little” thing but I don’t. After the Comp, Melissa and Wendy also took me out to dinner!! We ate at this seriously delicious Italian restaurant- oh my goodness PERFECT choice. I had a great time just talking and relaxing with you two! Melissa, it was really nice seeing you again, and I’m sure I’ll see you when you come up to NY. Wendy, it was great meeting you for the first time! Truly an enjoyable night which I appreciate to the fullest!!!

Rewind a little bit (lol) to the night before the Comp. I also want to give a HUUUUUGE THANK YOU to Sarah Varghese and Deepa for making that “day of” something special, despite the fact that we had a life-changing exam (of sorts) the day after. They ordered some banging Pizza Hut to the hotel we were staying at, and let me eat all I wanted!! Hahha! And boy did I stuff myself. But more importantly, after eating we had some great time of fellowship, including a powerful time of PRAYER. I mean WOW, how encouraging was that.

Sarah, like I told you after the Comp, you have a powerful faith that helped lifted me up personally. All summer you’ve been like my sister, sending me much needed Bible verses, songs, encouragements, you name it- all of which have helped sustain me. THANK YOU for looking out for me, I love you in Christ!! Deepa, it was great seeing you again too! You have such a heart of gold. Your love and care for people is so evident, and I thank you for being an encouragement to me while I was there. God bless you grl!!

When I got back home yesterday (to NJ), my family prepared a FEAST to celebrate my birthday! My mom cooked pansit and king fish, and Ray hit up the grill with some steak, hot dogs, and chicken. I must admit, I ate waaaayy too much!! But it was good! Ryan, Michelle, Rylee, and my Tita Bel were also there, and I had a really nice time. Thank you guys so very much!! I truly love my fam.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU (!!) to everyone who greeted me in person (after the Comp) or via Facebook, Email, Text, or HobbyKings. I have been blessed with such amazing people in my life, and I don’t take that for granted!! I am sure I must be forgetting people to thank, and if that is you I am SORRY!! I hope you know though that I am extremely thankful for the love.

Last but most important of all- thank You Lord JESUS for making my birthday special. I remember walking into my hotel room, expecting a small, dinky room like last time, only to find that YOU LORD had given me a SUITE!! What a pleasant surprise!! Awesome birthday gift, and You did even more the day after. So when the grades come out, I’ll be posting again, with even MORE thanks to hand out, because Lord, You have done so much, and You have provided friends to help do so much for me too. I love you Lord and I give you the ultimate thanks and praise. Thank You for blessing and loving me despite myself- You always, always look out for me.

This video from Jodie is tooo cuuute!! She's adorable.

Paul Wilbur Concert on Saturday Night, September 12th!!
Starts  @ 7 pm. Hosted by my congregation (church), Sha'ar Adonai.
Come out, and better yet, bring a friend!!
It is going to be an amazing blessing .

One of my favorite Paul Wilbur songs (Lord, Take Up Your Holy Throne):
http://zijnbruid.com/Lord%20Take%20Up%20Your%20Holy%20Throne.mp3

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I was talking to Jeremy again after church today, in between playing with his daughter Zari. She is the happiest little girl I know- always smiling, always smiling! She could brighten up any room, seriously. Well, we played various forms of peek-a-boo, and as I learned in school, children at that age believe that they actually disappear when they cover their eyes, just because they can't see you (they think you can't see them either). Space/reality perception. And I commented on this and Jeremy said something that really hit me. He said that adults are the same way, but with God. We think that just because we cover our tracks and conceal our acts and motives so well, that no one knows about it (or we just forget so easily that God knows our every move and thought). We think we can hide from God. The perfect example? Jonah. Run, hide- what did David say again? In Psalm 139: "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there." And on the flip- if we only know this fact all too well (that he is always there), then sometimes we forget just how serious our transgressions are in the sight of God. I am so guilty of this. Routines, attitudes, acts, perceptions, pride, jealousy, envy, lies, slothfulness, mismanagement, selfishness, lust, anger. Where is our heart at really? What does asking for forgiveness really mean to us? Just something to think about.

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Our R.E.S.E.T. 5 year anniversary is coming up soon . Diner time with Darrvi and Sam was a blessing last night. Oldie but Goodie:

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Yesterday I picked up a book titled "Pursued," an autobiography written by Dr. Vera Schlamm, a Jewish woman who records the account of  her family's experience during the Holocaust, and the account of how she struggled with, and finally came to know, Yeshua as her Messiah and Savior. Not finished yet, but it has been such a "page-turning" read- powerful, oh man.. well a verse in that book really spoke to me yesterday, from Isaiah 9:6, which says, "For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace." Why did it speak to me? Because amidst my own struggles, these were the very Names and attributes of God that I needed to be reminded of. Characters of God that I so often tend to forget because I focus too hard on, and only see, the struggle at hand, before my eyes. Thank You Lord for always finding ways to reach and teach me. I love you.

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Pastor Carter Conlon of Times Square Church wrote this in the last email I received from them, and I wanted to share it with you. It's a long read, but an incredibly encouraging read if you can resonate with the hurt, which I definitely can. Be blessed today my friends....

In the world today many people experience so much pain their goal is simply to make it through one day at a time. Life is mere existence, nothing more. Crippled by the cruelty of others, they cannot live as God fully intended and are cynical towards ever being truly healed. The unfortunate truth is that most of these wounds have occurred within the framework of the home. The place you expect to find unconditional love and support is instead the location of terrible memories. It is here where betrayals and bitter disappointments have marred the lives of many, allowing unforgiveness to take root. Statistics continue to prove that homes are some of the most violent places on earth. There needs to be healing for these troubled families. In the Word of God we find hope and promise for this. If you are one of the people I have described, then God desires to bring you healing and deliverance.

  REMEMBERING THE PAIN OF THE PAST
In the Old Testament, Joseph provides us with an example of someone who was deeply wounded by family members. His own brothers, gripped by hatred and jealousy, cast him into a pit to die. Later they seized an opportunity to sell him into slavery. He was then transported into Egypt where his suffering continued. There Joseph was falsely accused and imprisoned. After a number of years he was miraculously released and promoted to second in command over Egypt. In this position he controlled all the storehouses of grain. This placed him in a powerful situation to be a provider for the starving masses. During a time of prophesied drought, he met his brothers head-on as they came from Canaan to Egypt in search of food. Their sudden appearance evoked many raw emotions. Instantly their presence confronted him with the past grief of his early life.

Imagine for a moment all the painful memories which suddenly flooded his mind, taking him back to the time of his betrayal. Did he instantly remember the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, when on that day so long ago, he heard his own flesh and blood conspiring to kill him? Did a sense of outrage now wash over him at the remembrance of the cold and calculating words spoken as they bargained for his sale price? Did Joseph recall the tormenting fear and panic which paralyzed him when “they bruised his feet with fetters and placed his neck in an iron collar” (Psalm 105:18, NLT)? Was he once more calling to mind his pleading glances which said, “Help me, do something, I’m your brother!” Did Joseph remember his astonished unbelief at their blank, unconcerned stares as not one of his brothers lifted a finger to halt his pain or agony? And now, these same hardened and pitiless men were standing before him with their hands outstretched, begging for food and pleading for their own safety and preservation. There they were, oblivious to the reality that this powerful Egyptian ruler before them was in fact the brother they had so despised. Joseph, having instantly recognized them, must have been standing on a precipice of great indecision. His mind raced; should he forgive them or not? Does he reach out in undeserved loving kindness or not? Does he repay their past indifferences by letting them suffer or does he give into their requests?

“Joseph could stand it no longer. There were many people in the room, and he said to his attendants, “Out, all of you!” So he was alone with his brothers when he told them who he was. Then he broke down and wept. He wept so loudly the Egyptians could hear him, and word of it quickly carried to Pharaoh’s palace. “I am Joseph!” he said to his brothers. “Is my father still alive?” But his brothers were speechless! They were stunned to realize that Joseph was standing there in front of them. “Please, come closer,” he said to them. So they came closer. And he said again, “I am Joseph, your brother, whom you sold into slavery in Egypt. But don’t be upset, and don’t be angry with yourselves for selling me to this place. It was God who sent me here ahead of you to preserve your lives. This famine that has ravaged the land for two years will last five more years, and there will be neither plowing nor harvesting. God has sent me ahead of you to keep you and your families alive and to preserve many survivors. So it was God who sent me here, not you! And He is the one who made me an adviser to Pharaoh—the manager of his entire palace and the governor of all Egypt. “Now hurry back to my father and tell him, ‘This is what your son Joseph says: God has made me master over all the land of Egypt. So come down to me immediately! You can live in the region of Goshen, where you can be near me with all your children and grandchildren, your flocks and herds, and everything you own. I will take care of you there, for there are still five years of famine ahead of us. Otherwise you, your household, and all your animals will starve. Then Joseph added, “Look! You can see for yourselves, and so can my brother Benjamin, that I really am Joseph” (Genesis 45:1-12, NLT).

  BURYING THE HURT
Prior to the sudden arrival of his brothers in Egypt, Joseph had seemingly coped with his wounded past by burying the hurt. From a fleeting look at the exterior of his life it could seem as though Joseph was free from the ache of his past betrayals, until you study the names he chose for his children. On closer examination it appears that all he had done was internalize the pain. Look at his firstborn son, Manasseh, whose name means, “I have forgotten my former pain” and “I have forgotten my father’s house.” And he named his second son Ephraim, which means, “God has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction.” In his mind Joseph had very successfully moved on with life. This could be the testimony of some of you today. You are now a Christian and believe you have moved on from what you endured in the past. You may even be experiencing a level of fruitfulness in the so-called “land of your affliction.” It is one thing to move forward and embrace the future, but until you forgive those in your past you can never truly experience all God has planned for your life.

  GOD’S WAYS ARE NOT OUR WAYS
God may allow people and circumstances that have wounded you to continually cross your path until you get to the place of forgiveness. This can result in great anguish of soul as past grievances surface. But the true act of forgiveness is to completely release the other person and treat them as though the offense had never occurred. It will cause you to look beyond their faults, and enable you to speak into their lives. It does not mean God gives you amnesia but He does remove the pain. This can be difficult, especially in a case like Joseph’s, for his brothers were still covering up their sin. He could have legitimately asked himself, “Why do I owe them anything? They are still not being truthful. There is no genuine humility being evidenced by them. They have not recognized me; I could walk away right now and leave them to their own miserable fate.”

But God’s plans are always so much greater than ours. Isaiah the prophet said it this way, “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts, …and My ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so My ways are higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8−9, NLT).

  STARVING THE WORK OF CHRIST
These hardened but hungry men were standing before Joseph who had the power to send them away empty handed, or forgive and feed them. Joseph said to them “don’t be upset, and don’t be angry with yourselves for selling me to this place. It was God who sent me here ahead of you to preserve your lives” (Genesis 45:5, NLT). This has always been the heart of God, to preserve life not destroy it.

God knew these brothers were unstable, self-willed and angry. He knew they were cowards and betrayers, but He was not finished with them yet. The bigger picture was that through Judah, one of Joseph’s brothers, would come the Messiah, Jesus Christ. God Himself would move all heaven and earth to ensure the lineage of Christ would be protected. God would not let His purpose of ultimately blessing the entire world through His Son be stopped or aborted. He knew Joseph would obey Him and that is why He sent him to Egypt in the first place.

When you refuse to forgive other people, you starve the work of Christ, which is to forgive. They will remain hungry and impoverished, held captive to their sin. But when you release forgiveness you are freeing them to respond in like manner. You open their prison door and allow them to go free. Forgiveness is one of the keys of God’s kingdom. The act of forgiveness is neither an option nor a feeling. It is a command. Matthew 5:23−24 says “…if you are standing before the altar in the Temple, offering a sacrifice to God, and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there beside the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.” You do not wait until you feel good before you respond; you make the choice regardless of what your feelings are dictating.

When Joseph decided to forgive, he was in fact choosing God’s way. By his obedience he was feeding the work of God rather than starving it. It is an amazing thing. The moment he forgave, the plan of God continued to unfold. As failed as these men were, God had chosen them as the founding fathers of the nation of Israel. He had not abandoned them and He will not abandon you or those who selfishly betrayed you. This is the awesome mercy of God! When you finally understand it, the mercy of God will become the song of your life. “It came even to pass, as the trumpeters and singers were as one, to make one sound to be heard in praising and thanking the Lord; and when they lifted up their voice with the trumpets and cymbals and instruments of musick, and praised the Lord, saying, For He is good; for His mercy endureth for ever: that then the house was filled with a cloud, even the house of the Lord” (2 Chronicles 5:13).

  PREPARATION TO BE A PROVISION FOR OTHERS
We do not know if Joseph had any inkling the day he forgave his brothers that the lineage of Christ was being preserved. We do not even know when Joseph fully understood that the things he suffered and went through were pre-ordained by God for his life. What we do understand is that it was a hard and harrowing journey over many years. Those whom God uses to provide for hurting and hungry people often travel a very painful road.

God used those tough experiences to prepare Joseph to be used in that exact time and place. Psalm 105:19 says, “Until the time that his word came: the word of the Lord tried him.” God used Joseph’s trials to bring him to a place where he could be a means of provision for his family. Our trials are used by God to bring us to a place where we know we stand only by His mercy. Joseph must have known this as well. Had God not done such a deep work in his heart, he would have been unable to forgive his brothers.

In the same way God has also been preparing you. Perhaps you received a promise He was going to use your life, and through you there was going to be provision made for others. Now that vision seems so far in your past and there has been so much pain and hurt inflicted throughout the years, you have lost hope of its fulfillment. You are happy just to survive in this world, and finally make it to heaven. But when God makes a promise to you, He does not back away from it because you go through hard times. He does not change His mind. The only thing that can take you away from the fulfillment of that promise is a failure to understand the methods of God’s mercy, and continuing to live in unbelief. Whatever has happened in your life, God has allowed it for a purpose. This is the key to freedom. It will release you from the prison of pain you may be in.

  MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE: FORGIVENESS
Joseph’s choice to forgive was not an easy one to make. The scripture says he wept so hard that all the house of Pharaoh heard it. His anguish came from the very core of his being. His brothers were afraid when they saw him weeping because they knew what they had done to him many years before. At that moment they may have thought, “He is going to kill us; he is going to do with us what we did to him.” Instead Joseph tells his brothers: “God sent me before you to preserve you in the earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance. It was not you that sent me here but God.” Out of deep compassion, Joseph was now offering his brothers an olive branch of forgiveness and reconciliation. Through his suffering, the heart of God had been formed in Joseph. Love and mercy had been worked into him over time by the faithfulness of God.

As I have already said, forgiveness is never easy. One of the hardest things you will ever have to do is forgive the people who have wounded you the most. But as you do, there will not be one obstruction the enemy has set before you that can stop you from fulfilling the will of God. He alone has placed this call on your life, and He alone will bring it to completion. As God was with Joseph, He is now with you and He will use your past hurts for His glory. Praise God!

Carter Conlon
©2009 Times Square Church

Lord,

I just spent a good what.. hour or so? going through someone else's xanga. I haven't done that in years. But in the end it just kinda left me thinking: what have I done with my life? You know Lord that I've been struggling a lot with envy and jealousy, if You would call it that. And You've been trying to speak to me in so many ways, but why am I so stubborn? I just can't seem to be happy with the way my life is going. I can be strong Lord, I can. I mean, I know that even after I write this entry, I'll know where my mind needs to be in order to keep going along this path You've set before me. But there's so much that goes on in between, and Lord, maybe just expressing my hurt to You will make me feel better, because right now I don't know what else to do.

I truly believe that everybody has a niche- something You've called and created them to do. Like, "Yeah, this is what I'm supposed to be doing with my life!" ....I'm turning 26 years old in a few days, and it doesn't seem like I'll be finding mine anytime soon. Ever since I surrendered my life to You, I always had this feeling that You had something big in store for me- that You were gonna call me to fulfill some vast purpose, use me in a mighty way. True Lord, yes, that I've definitely had moments where I absolutely felt like I was doing exactly what You've called me to do, but those moments always seem to come in seasons- lived, lived, and moving on....

I feel like I lack the final piece of every potential "niche" I could have. Like, I lack the fuel that can just set FIRE to the whole thing. Take the things I am passionate about. Dancing: You set it up so that I could be active in the Jersey dance scene, but while everybody kept improving, I didn't. I could never even get any power moves down. I feel like there's so much I could do for Your glory if only I was better. Writing: the only time I seem to write anything good is when I am angry or depressed. I love writing, but it takes so much time for me to figure out how I want to express my insanely complex thoughts, and more often than not I quit because I just don't know where to start. I feel like there's so much I could do for Your glory if only I was better. Medicine: someone put it this way- 3 repeated semesters (failed semesters), 3 comp exams (2 failed tries), I think it's a sign. No matter how hard I try, I'm always 20 steps behind my classmates. I struggle more than they do. I feel like there's so much I could do for Your glory if only I was better!

There's always something lacking in everything I put my hand to. I never became any good on the piano or any other musical instrument I tried, I can't sing, I struggle and spend an incredible amount of time preparing for speaking engagements, ever since returning from Dominica I can't get back into shape, I was never any good at basketball or football, and I don't have the kind of money to keep up with my card collecting hobby.

And Lord, what about my 2 biggest passions in life after You- my family and my fiancee? If I cannot graduate from medical school the disappointment of my parents will be heavier than anybody who knows me can ever understand. And it hurts to know that there's a lot of me that they don't see, and a lot of the former me that they can't see past. I can't make them happy... Alana has been waiting for over 7 years to marry me, and I can't even tell her if it's gonna happen anytime soon. And every day that we're apart is torture. Then of course, there's the struggle of finding acceptance for our relationship, and every night I ask You to turn their hearts but it's been 5 years and absolutely nothing has changed. I just wish we could experience the happiness we ache for, and when I say we I mean all of us- my mom, my dad, my brothers, Alana, and her family....

Lord, why couldn't things work out differently.. why couldn't I succeed at anything like so many of these other people? Why couldn't I be better?? The fuel to burn any of those fires may have been enough to get me out of my current life. And I know this entire prayer sounds so selfish Lord I know.. and to be honest, a large part of it is. It is selfish because I'm not happy, I'm not satisfied. But You also know that it's not just for me. You know that I'd be willing to undergo any suffering for You and for Your glory, but Lord, the way it's affecting my loved ones is killing me. A huge part of me wants my life to be better for them. 'Coz it hurts that much Lord. And another huge part of me wants my life to be better because I deeply desire to do more for You. Because I'm so hungry to see people touched by You. Because I'm so hungry for the exciting Kingdom life You meant for us to live- the R.E.S.E.T. life.

Lord, what have I done with my life so far.. could you please forgive me for everything that I've done to hinder You from working out Your full potential in my life? Could you please forgive me for the flaws and shortcomings I possess that probably kept me from being the best that I could be, and making the most of the gifts You have given me. Could you please forgive me for wanting so bad what other people have, in terms of success and material things, and help me to focus on the things You've already so graciously blessed me with? This is so hard Lord.. this is so hard. But Lord I'm humbly asking You to... open up a door- in my mind, in my life, in my situations. You know how trapped and suffocated and oftentimes helpless I feel.

Please salvage my remaining years, and help me to hope against all hope.......

Amen.