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  • Been by my side through everything.
    Couldn't ask for a better friend and life partner.
    Thank You Father.

  • Dear God,

    You of all people know, that this nerve injury on my face following my wisdom teeth surgery has taken a great toll on me. It might not seem like a big deal to other people, but it's not just numbness that I'm experiencing. There is a weight and a "pulling" sensation that I feel on my chin, lip, mouth, and gums- 24/7. My mouth wants to remain shut because of this weight. I'm a talker, I'm an eater, I'm a lover. Talking is not the same- not even smiling. It requires more energy and that "pulling" at every movement. It's not normal, and it's not me. I don't enjoy food anymore. I have no appetite, and I only eat so that I can take my vitamins with food. They say that the Vitamin B complex will help with nerve regeneration. But probably the most depressing thing is, Lord, that I can't rub my face on Jeremiah's the way I used to always love doing. I can't kiss him or my wife the same way. I can't enjoy their presence because it feels like my mouth wants to remain clamped shut. I just don't enjoy anything anymore.
    I'm angry at myself for not considering the risk of nerve damage more seriously. I'm angry at myself for not finding out if I'm a high risk patient due to my horizontal impacted lower teeth. I'm angry at my doctor for not telling me that I was a high risk patient. He made it seem like it was just a small chance. I would bet that it happens a lot! My wisdom teeth didn't even cause any major problems for me. The only problem I had was food getting stuck in there, possibly contributing to bad breath. I'd take that over nerve damage any day.
    God, they say that a tingling sensation, like pins and needles, is a sign that the nerve is regenerating. I haven't felt that since the 2nd week, and I am now ending my 3rd week post-surgery. I'm afraid my nerves have given up. They say that the longer it takes to heal, the bleaker the outlook. I'm afraid of living the rest of my life like this. I obsessively search the internet- for what? The same darn thing over and over again. Vague answers. More questions. More worry. I feel like crying every moment that I am awake. I feel sorry for my wife and my child, because their father is not present. My mind is burdened, it is heavy, and it is somewhere else. I just want to transport myself back before this ever happened. I did enjoy my life, I did cherish every single moment. I cherished my son, I cherished my wife. I loved my life.
    The last time I was in a season of depression, just under 2 years ago, I tried so hard to accept the cause of my depression. I tried so hard to kill my selfishness, to foster an attitude of gratitude and thanksgiving. What was it, that ultimately healed me during that time? No, it wasn't a what, it was a Who, because I fought so hard, every day, every night. I struggled and cried and battled mentally, but in the end, it was You. There is only so much I can do, and in this case, I don't think there is anything I can do, but wait, on You. I always say "expect the worse but hope for the best," that way you'll never get disappointed. Well, I failed on that one yet again prior to my surgery, and at present I'll admit Lord, that I'm having a very, very difficult time doing that. The truth is, I don't want to accept the worse. I don't want to live like this. Granted, in my heart of hearts, I know I deserve much worse. I know that things could have been much worse, and I know that other people go through much worse.
    If it pleases you Father, I'm asking you to please heal me, completely, and soon. I'm tired. I'm scared. I am still a child. But I am Your child. Please give me faith. I love You.
    Amen.

  • By God's mercy and grace, in Jesus' Name, I will be healed.

    Depression, I rebuke you. Be gone.

  • Isaiah 55:6-13
    6 Seek the Lord while He may be found,
    Call upon Him while He is near.
    7 Let the wicked forsake his way,
    And the unrighteous man his thoughts;
    Let him return to the Lord,
    And He will have mercy on him;
    And to our God,
    For He will abundantly pardon.
    8 “For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
    Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.
    9 “For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    So are My ways higher than your ways,
    And My thoughts than your thoughts.
    10 “For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven,
    And do not return there,
    But water the earth,
    And make it bring forth and bud,
    That it may give seed to the sower
    And bread to the eater,
    11 So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth;
    It shall not return to Me void,
    But it shall accomplish what I please,
    And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.
    12 “For you shall go out with joy,
    And be led out with peace;
    The mountains and the hills
    Shall break forth into singing before you,
    And all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
    13 Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree,
    And instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree;
    And it shall be to the Lord for a name,
    For an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.”

  • Going through life with my beautiful wife Alana has been such a trip. We are both turning 30 this year and I feel like we've already had enough adventures to last a lifetime and yet, this is, in many ways, just the beginning. Jeremiah just turned a year old, we are still relatively at the start of our careers, and we have so many goals and dreams that we'd still like to fulfill. The adventure continues as we prepare to move into a new apartment, in a new city, at the end of May. Today was exciting because after a few very frustrating weeks of apartment hunting, we finally found the perfect place for our little family, and we thank God so much for that. We knew it would come at the right time, and we are not only totally at peace with our decision, but we are extremely excited about the change! The new place is in such an ideal location, it is within our budget, Jeremiah gets his own room, and the apartment has everything we were looking for . Sharing life with your best friend, through the ups and downs, makes such a difference. Alana has been such a rock in my life, and her love humbles me to no end. Although every day is hard work, every second is totally worth. Thank You Lord- I give to You my highest praises!!

  • I didn't become a disciple of Jesus out of fear, or because it's convenient or comfortable- I follow Him because the only thing really worth striving for in this life is the restoration of wholeness, in every aspect possible, day in and day out.

  • "Raptured Heart"
    rowancv 12/31/12- 11:50 PM

    So full of light, so full of love
    Broke this dam, released a flood.
    Your smile, your reach, flow all through me
    Drown in your love, so soberly.

    2012 changed my life yet again. I fell in love, yet again.


  • Not gonna lie, I cried. As a huge fan of the comics, I honestly didn't like Season 1 & 2 very much. I felt like it was too slow with borderline cheesy melodramatics- simply just too long and drawn out. That's just me being honest and expressing my opinion. But I am LOVING Season 3. Every episode has been intense and emotional, none more so than the last, and I LIKE intense and emotional. Exploring the human condition- this is why I enjoy the show, and it's finally getting to the comic book's level.
    "You’d think they’d at least save something like this for the midseason finale in a few weeks, but The Walking Dead producers sure are stepping up this season and saying, 'Oh, you thought last year was too slow-paced? How about this!?'"
    "Andrew Lincoln's performance in those moments alone should give him an Emmy nomination."


  • Despite my unbelievable, overwhelming financial situation,
    holding him makes me feel like a million dollars.

    Two nights ago I had a terrible.. HORRIBLE dream. I dreamnt that I found Jeremiah submerged underneath water. I was looking for him and recognized that curly hair, and the panic that came over me was so real. I grabbed him immediately. He was lifeless, not moving or breathing, and as I patted his back I begged God to bring him back to me. He stirred, and eventually coughed up water, and when he cried I remember thinking: I have never been so happy to hear him cry. I thanked God and held Remi like I was never going to let him go as tears flowed down my face. What relief. When I awoke I was so thankful that the entire thing was a dream. I walked over to Rem's crib and just watched him sleep, watching his back rise with each breath.
    Before he was born, I could never imagine life with him. Now that he's here, I could never imagine life without him.

  • Watched the first presidential debate last night. Watched some of X-Factor with Lana tonight. All I've got to say is that A LITTLE HUMILITY WOULD GO A LONG WAY.

    Sallie Mae is sucking the life out of me. Medical school was the worst financial decision I made in my life. It feels like a prison. It feels like I work for Sallie Mae and not for my family. It's pretty overwhelming.
    "OH (!!!) that You would rend the heavens and come down,
    that the mountains (in our lives) might quake and tremble
    at Your presence!!" -Isaiah 64:1
    "Wonderful, Beautiful, Glorious" (New Life Worship) & "Hallelujah" (Hillsong United)
    Escape....
    MY baby boy..
    MY Remi..

rowancv

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