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  • Lord, it doesn't matter where I go, I'm just wasting away in depression. This is too much Father .. my heart is so heavy, the tears are always on edge. It's difficult being by myself, but I always am. The demons are coming back. Save me Jesus.... save us.

  • Dear God,

    I know I told you that no matter what happened I'd still thank You and give you praise, and I truly do kneel before you in thanksgiving and praise. But at the same time, please look deep into my soul and see how heartbroken I am. None of this has ever been "all about me." My heart dropped this morning, when I saw the word "FAIL," after being so certain, so sure that You'd grant me this. But I know that You are God, and I'm not. Lord it's difficult. Not just my STEP 1 score, but also the other issues I am going through, and the very difficult discussion I had with my parents today. I know that at the end of the day, I will be okay (though weary), but my prayer goes out to those who are affected by my failures and shortcomings. I pray that you would please, please, please bring peace to the minds and hearts of my mom and dad. I will go through whatever you want me to go through, but please let them be okay. I would have that at my own expense. Please give them a new set of eyes, so that they don't take my actions and decisions the wrong way, so that they don't misunderstand where my heart is. I don't know how, but please show them that I love them, that I cherish them and appreciate them, and that most of all they are irreplaceable. I don't doubt their love for me at all, and I know they sincerely want only what is best for me. Yet help them to love me and respect me as an individual. There's only so much I can do or say, so as always, and as I've done all these years, I give them up to You, in your infinite wisdom, because I just don't understand why things have to be the way they are.

    I have so many questions for You. Yes, I'd like to know "why," I'd like to know when my day will come. I often ask if I'd really trade my problems with those of another person; today I'm asking if anyone would trade with me. There's so much people don't see and know. How much of life's unfairness can I handle? You know Lord, You know. I just want to pray for Alana, whose heart is so true. You know she suffers many hurts because of our situation, more often than not, suffering silently. Please continue to uphold her, continue to keep her in Your warm embrace and comfort. Please let her know that I appreciate her patience- I appreciate with all my heart how she has suffered through alongside of me, oftentimes holding me up because I didn't have the strength to walk anymore. The years of life have not been kind to her or to my parents. But Lord, in anguish I plead to You because I know it doesn't have to be this way!! What must I do? What can be done? I feel as though my spirit is broken, has taken a beating yet again. Heavenly Father, please give us all wisdom. Please give us all your mind. Please let the madness stop because I don't think any of us can take any more.. though I know that is for You to know and decide. But this is my prayer Father. I don't know if these words do justice to my inner soul, but Father You know the things that burn deep in all of our hearts. Please show up. Please let something give. Please don't keep silent. Please give us all a new life.

    In Your Name I pray....

  • Out of Sync ©
    rowancv 03/13/10- 12:12AM

    I think I know, then I don’t.
    Unfamiliar sides scare me.

    I only had good intentions.
    I only tried to do right.

    I chose not to get mad,
    I choose not to get mad.

    You expect me to be there,
    Yet you push me away.

    You say you don’t need this-
    You’re saying you don’t need me.

    Is my "dumbness" worth this?
    Is this really who you are?

    But it doesn’t matter.
    I really don’t matter.

    I’ll try to understand.
    I’m trying to understand.

    It hurts to know you’re hurting.
    Only love can see us through.

    I wish things were different.



  • Triptych
    "(Ride of) My Life"
    "Prison of the Mind"
    "Relapsing Spirits"

    These drawings (see previous entries) were entirely unplanned. In the midst of a depression and a heavy chest, I took one of my study index cards and started writing (on the lined side) in an attempt to express the chaos that was literally tormenting my mind... I couldn't get past the first two lines. So I turned the card over and started drawing, allowing the flow to continue from those two lines. Now, I'm no artist at all (as you can tell), but once the pen started, I couldn't stop. The end result was the first sketch. A few days later, again I was searching for the words to express what I was feeling, but couldn't get past two lines. So again, I started drawing, this time on a yellow index card. Once more I poured my soul out. Finally, a few days ago, I was led to draw my last piece, except this time, the picture was already in my mind, before I found the words. So I started drawing, and midway through, the words came to me.

    This trio of drawings has come to mean a lot to me, because not only are those very emotional moments, but within each picture contains most of the deepest hurts I have ever experienced and am experiencing. Somehow, someway, the final results perfectly embodied the unseen things in my life and mind. I was told that without an explanation, there would be no way anyone could completely get what I am trying to say through the art, but that's okay, because I know what it means to me, and if you can relate, then you'll know what it means to you. If anyone out there can indeed relate to the essence of this triptych, just know that there is always a nail-pierce hand reaching back out to you, opening the prison doors, and capturing every tear in a bottle, through even the heaviest, most twisted and chaotic of circumstances. I continue to remind myself of this very truth.

    Getting this surge of creativity and expression out of my system felt really, really good.

    P.S. The frames were added to the scans via Adobe Photoshop.





    Ode to My Matrix ©
    rowancv 03/11/10- 7:19PM


    It hasn’t been that long- a little over a year,

    But these months seem foregone, and you always persevere.

    I remember the first time I saw you, at Hudson Toyota,

    It was love at first sight: my search’s coda.

    You were the car I wanted all along,

    And thanks to my awesome parents, now to me you belong.

    When I touch you we’re like one being.

    Seeing, you move on my command and steer,

    My instincts are yours and you always adhere.

    These streets and highways ain’t no joke at times-

    Crazy and negligent drivers of every kind.

    I’ve learned to trust, and I know you trust me too.

    I might drive aggressive at times but you know what it do.

    We’ve been through many battles, and that’s why I call her BEAST,

    Down and up the coasts of the East we fly,

    Times I had her packed with my whole life supply.

    And I know she’s a Christian too, you wanna know why?

    I truly believe we’re both divinely protected,

    Too many close calls, and to me that cements it.

    It’s crazy being maybe millimeters from disaster,

    To The Hand watching over us I truly thank my Master.

    Through monsooning rain, snow and ice slipping scares,

    God’s always answering my spoken and unspoken prayers.

    And when my chest is heavy, and I need a place to hide,

    I find solace in her when my heartaches collide.

    She’s seen the tears I’ve cried,

    Heard the screams emanating from the deepest hurts inside.

    My escape, as well as my mode of escape:

    She takes me far and away for my sanity’s sake-

    The hours we’ve spent when no one else could relate, to me.
    Countless parking spots we've occupied at libraries, parks,
    Don't have to fear to let my guard down and expose my heart.
    And when I’m driving you, it’s actually therapeutic,

    ‘Specially real early or real late, no other cars and chill music.

    You give me quality moments with my Heavenly Father,

    Whether I’m singing my praise, or being shaped by the Potter.

    And there ain’t nothing hotter than the way you’re designed-

    Perfect shade, slick shapes, and sexy curves combined.
    Your dashboard with red lights are talagang sweet,
    And I feel right at home lounging in the driver's seat.
    Interior/exterior: I'll keep you presentable and clean,
    Through Sip Ave. floods, other guests, and everything in between.

    I love when your eyes light up real bright,

    Especially those bad fog lights at night.

    I’mma do what I can to keep you running nice,

    Maintenance checks and repairs at the 440 site.

    Erminda and the Yellow Team are people I trust,

    Trusting my Provider for the money so I can do what I must.

    And oh yeah, you look good with your homegirl Beauty,

    If you were a guy you’d make the perfect couple ‘coz she is a real cutie.

    It’s nice when the four of us caravan sun-kissed.

    Funny how that worked out with my fiancée’s Yaris.

    Well, I can't thank you enough for being my faithful partner and friend,

    I’ll always appreciate the blessing you are,

    Even when it has to end.


  • March 6, 2010    : "All My Sons," a play by Arthur Miller- starring Crystalla Gonzalez!!

    Getting to Queens and back was a headache because (A) of the traffic and (B) I hate driving in NYC, but it was most definitely worth it! I totally enjoy watching theater and other forms of live art- I think it's very relaxing. The storyline of "All My Sons" was very deep and thoughtful (good job Mr. Miller!) and Crystalla as Ann Deever was SUPERB. Sister, keep at it- You're gonna make it!!
    March 7, 2010


    Beautiful Sunday with Alana, her mom, aunt, and my Tia. Tia drew her "Doggey" (LOL) during church. SO CUTE, so talented, so sweet I love her. By the way, she can do GOOD headspins!! And I didn't realize I could enjoy Jersey City anymore. We spent the day all on Newark Avenue: Urban Mission, Fiesta Grill, then Indian Square. Great day, only to be followed by an awesome night as well, when we got to meet SELAH!!:

    Frumiesha cooked us a delicious dinner, and we had such an amazing fellowship with her and Jaimeo, AS ALWAYS. We love you guys so much!! We appreciate your friendship and the tremendous blessing you are to us. Selah is such a precious gift from God, and we could not be happier or more excited for what God has in store for you all as a family. We had so much fun with her!!




    March 8, 2010: Round Two. Hanging out with the Grahams .

    We love you and are praying for you Mom .




    March 10, 2010: I'm thinking today about just HOW MUCH God knows.. I mean consider this: we look up to guys like Bill Gates and Albert Einstein. When we look at them, we give them so much respect, because we simply cannot fathom inventing, creating, and postulating things that they did. One the flip side, our view of God is often distant, almost like God is not as real to us. Because if He WAS as real to us, we'd respect Him too. I asked God today, "How can You know so much? I can't fathom anybody knowing as much as You do.. every hair on our head. Every tear that we cry." I pictured being in Heaven, and asking God to show me all of my tears, each one that He had recorded and kept in a jar. I pictured Him opening a room FULL of jars, each with every tear I have ever cried. How do You know God? The way the human body works- I've been in medical school for almost 4 years and I am STILL lost. How do You know? Dumb questions I know.. but God stated what I already knew: "I am the Creator of ALL things. Of course I know.. ." Hehhe. The God Who knows EVERYTHING. Respect that. Appreciate that. Reverence that.

    March 11, 2010: On a much sadder note.. I just received word from Alana that her baby cousin Isaiah went to be with the Lord. My heart dropped when I heard, and we have been praying so hard. The prayers will continue for the family . My heart truly goes out....

    I'm expecting my STEP 1 score to arrive around the middle of next week. I know I am truly undeserving, but if you can, please pray on my behalf for a passing score. I cannot overstate the gravity and importance of this score. It would be entirely God's grace if I pass (as all things are), though my soul's core will always anchor on the "even if not" FAITH. But please Lord grant me this. Please..

    "Each second we breathe in hope... we exhale fear." -diew_itz_dubbz

  • I'm Ready...

    "This is the kind of stuff that'll set you free!!" -Pastor Peter Hong

    Turning point....

    Began my day with this:
    "Nothing can stop God from accomplishing His purposes for your life."

    Life Interrupted
    2/3-2/4: TRUST

    Ended my day with this:
    "Jacob struggles half of his life to gain for himself the very things that
    God planned to give him anyways, and in the end, Jacob gets
    exactly what God planned to give him, and 21 years of anxiety."

    God Wrestling: Encountering the Untamed God


    Just when....

    God, this is a weighty "thank you." I know You know what I mean..

  • Seeing the truth in James 3:1.


    (about 3 months ago)

    Fear thought he was so smart
    but for all the knowledge in the world, he never could attain wisdom.
    He forgot that Hope doesn’t die
    that Hope can’t die
    because his father is Truth, and his spirit is Love
    and the minion who never spoke thought his black hand was enough to choke Hope
    but though Courage had left
    and though Strength fled when Yearning was silenced
    Hope began to glow.

    Fear once demanded.
    Fear once sneered.
    Fear once mocked the fragile Heart.
    But in the presence of Love
    in its truest, most unadulterated form
    Fear was cast out, and in his haste he dropped the key
    retreating far beyond the walls he created
    realizing that the light of Hope
    revealed Truth that the darkness tried so hard to hide
    and Truth, well
    Truth always wins.

    My father (Truth) will teach you
    make you to rise above the shortcomings of others
    but more importantly, make you to rise above your own shortcomings
    no matter how many times you may fail again.
    My spirit (Love) will guide you
    help you to live the life I intended for you
    a life more abundant.
    And I will always be in control, even when it may not seem so.
    When you call for me, even if from the deepest recesses of your mind
    I will fight with you.
    I will fight for you.
    Don’t be afraid to speak my name against Fear..    ”

    Hope’s name..

    Jesus.

    (over 2 years ago)


    A never-failing encouragement, Hebrews 11:33-38....

    "Through faith they subdued kingdoms, wrought righteousness, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions. Quenched the violence of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, out of weakness were made strong, waxed valiant in fight, turned to flight the armies of the aliens. Women received their dead raised to life again: and others were tortured, not accepting deliverance; that they might obtain a better resurrection: And others had trial of cruel mockings and scourgings, yea, moreover of bonds and imprisonment: They were stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword: they wandered about in sheepskins and goatskins; being destitute, afflicted, tormented; (Of whom the world was not worthy:) they wandered in deserts, and in mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth."

rowancv

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