March 28, 2013

• Dear God,

  You of all people know, that this nerve injury on my face following my wisdom teeth surgery has taken a great toll on me. It might not seem like a big deal to other people, but it's not just numbness that I'm experiencing. There is a weight and a "pulling" sensation that I feel on my chin, lip, mouth, and gums- 24/7. My mouth wants to remain shut because of this weight. I'm a talker, I'm an eater, I'm a lover. Talking is not the same- not even smiling. It requires more energy and that "pulling" at every movement. It's not normal, and it's not me. I don't enjoy food anymore. I have no appetite, and I only eat so that I can take my vitamins with food. They say that the Vitamin B complex will help with nerve regeneration. But probably the most depressing thing is, Lord, that I can't rub my face on Jeremiah's the way I used to always love doing. I can't kiss him or my wife the same way. I can't enjoy their presence because it feels like my mouth wants to remain clamped shut. I just don't enjoy anything anymore.

  I'm angry at myself for not considering the risk of nerve damage more seriously. I'm angry at myself for not finding out if I'm a high risk patient due to my horizontal impacted lower teeth. I'm angry at my doctor for not telling me that I was a high risk patient. He made it seem like it was just a small chance. I would bet that it happens a lot! My wisdom teeth didn't even cause any major problems for me. The only problem I had was food getting stuck in there, possibly contributing to bad breath. I'd take that over nerve damage any day.

  God, they say that a tingling sensation, like pins and needles, is a sign that the nerve is regenerating. I haven't felt that since the 2nd week, and I am now ending my 3rd week post-surgery. I'm afraid my nerves have given up. They say that the longer it takes to heal, the bleaker the outlook. I'm afraid of living the rest of my life like this. I obsessively search the internet- for what? The same darn thing over and over again. Vague answers. More questions. More worry. I feel like crying every moment that I am awake. I feel sorry for my wife and my child, because their father is not present. My mind is burdened, it is heavy, and it is somewhere else. I just want to transport myself back before this ever happened. I did enjoy my life, I did cherish every single moment. I cherished my son, I cherished my wife. I loved my life.

  The last time I was in a season of depression, just under 2 years ago, I tried so hard to accept the cause of my depression. I tried so hard to kill my selfishness, to foster an attitude of gratitude and thanksgiving. What was it, that ultimately healed me during that time? No, it wasn't a what, it was a Who, because I fought so hard, every day, every night. I struggled and cried and battled mentally, but in the end, it was You. There is only so much I can do, and in this case, I don't think there is anything I can do, but wait, on You. I always say "expect the worse but hope for the best," that way you'll never get disappointed. Well, I failed on that one yet again prior to my surgery, and at present I'll admit Lord, that I'm having a very, very difficult time doing that. The truth is, I don't want to accept the worse. I don't want to live like this. Granted, in my heart of hearts, I know I deserve much worse. I know that things could have been much worse, and I know that other people go through much worse.

  If it pleases you Father, I'm asking you to please heal me, completely, and soon. I'm tired. I'm scared. I am still a child. But I am Your child. Please give me faith. I love You.

  Amen.

  • 10:12 am
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